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Copyright 2017 Taylor Leigh

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This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you are reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return it to the bookseller and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.


This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblances to actual events, locales, or persons living or dead, are coincidental.

Don’t Let Go

I lay there watching him sleep. His chest would rise and fall with every breath he took. How did I get so lucky with this man? I ask myself that almost every day. I can’t believe that Colin and I have been together for three years now. Those three years haven’t always been the easiest. We both work in the entertainment business so finding quality time can be hard. When we first started dating, it seemed easy to make time for each other. The past couple of months have been a lot harder. We have been fighting a lot and, at times, I worry about our future. It’s scary to think about at times.

As I lay there watching him, I knew he was the only man I wanted for the rest of my life. There was no doubt about that. Being this close to him and feeling the warmth of his skin, I wanted to show him just how much I wanted to be with him. I slowly ran my hand down his back, feeling every inch of his hard sculpted back as I went. He stirred a little as I touched him. I leaned closer to him and softly kissed his back.

“Mmm.” He turned to face me.

I leaned over and kissed his lips.

“What are you doing?” He asked sleepily.

“I want you.”

“Is that so?” He asked, coming awake.

I nodded.

He rolled over so that he was on top of me. I was caught off guard by the sudden movement and I couldn’t help but laugh. He stared in my eyes for a moment and it was like he was staring into my soul. Neither one of us has had the best of luck when it’s come to relationships in the past but this man knows my hopes and dreams. Right now, being in this moment with him, it felt right.

He ran his hand gently through my hair and he leaned down to kiss me. It felt off. It didn’t have the desire and passion that I expected. He kept kissing me and I waited for it to intensify, but it never did. I wrapped my legs around his waist and I felt him enter me. I love the feeling of having him inside of me. He began to thrust his hips, going deeper and deeper. Once again, there was no passion. It felt like he was just going through the motions of sex but not really feeling it. I was able to clear my head enough to come right before he did. Afterwards, he rolled back over to his side of the bed and fell back to sleep.

“What the hell?” I said quietly to myself, still confused.

My mind kept wondering all night long. I was barely starting to fall asleep, when Colin’s alarm clock went off. He works on a TV show and has to be on set really early on most days. He reached over and turned the alarm off before crawling out of bed. He stood up and stretched. When he did, I could see every muscle in his body move. He must have heard me move in the bed because he looked back at me. He crawled across the bed and gave me a kiss.

“Good morning.” He said.

“Good morning.” I replied.

He gave me a weird look.

“What?” I asked, puzzled.

“Did we have sex last night?”

Seriously, he doesn’t even remember? Was the sex that bad that he doesn’t even remember it?

“Yes, we had sex last night. It must not have been very memorable if you had to ask.” I pull the cover over me.

“Stop. It’s not like that. I honestly thought I was dreaming.”

I told him it was fine. He kept asking me to not be mad at him. I wasn’t mad at him, but I was really disappointed. I don’t know how you can have sex with the person you love and not even remember it. He went to take a shower and then left for work, leaving me home alone the rest of the day.

Even though I was home alone, I still had things to work on. I was co-writing a screenplay with a friend of mine so I had that to keep me busy. I also had to prepare for a few auditions I had coming up in the next couple of weeks. Before I started working, I did my morning yoga routine. Doing yoga helps clear my mind so I can prepare for the day. If I don’t do it, I find that my mind gets fuzzy and it’s hard for me to focus. As I worked, I kept thinking back to last night and the misfortunate sex experience. That’s when an idea came to mind. I was going to make a romantic dinner for Colin and me tonight. We’ve been so busy and I haven’t done anything like that for a long time.

I came up with a plan for what I wanted to do for dinner. I went around the kitchen seeing what we had and what I needed to buy. I made a list and then headed to the store. Once I got home, I started prepping the food. Once I had all of the food prepped and ready to go, I went to the dining room and sat the table. I put a nice table cloth on and placed candles in the center. I bought a nice bouquet of flowers that I sat in between the candles. Once I was satisfied with the table, I went back into the kitchen. After I had everything on the stove and cooking, I knew I had some time to kill. I went upstairs to take a shower and get ready for the evening. I chose to wear my short black halter dress with the open back. I also chose to wear my black heels that Colin loves.

I was excited when I heard the front door open. I hurried into the living room to greet him. I’m still amazed at the butterflies I get when I first see him. It’s like I’m seeing him for the first time, every single time. When I saw him, I couldn’t help but think of how gorgeous he is. He’s so tall, 6’2 to my 5’1. Even though he was wearing a loose white t-shirt and baggy jeans, you can tell he has muscles under those clothes. He ran his fingers through his blonde hair as he approached me.

“You look incredible.” He said as he approached me. He kissed me and then turned towards the kitchen. “What smells so good?”

“I made us a romantic dinner. I figure we don’t get to spend as much time together anymore, so I wanted to do something special.”

“Well, it smells really good.”

“I hope you like it. Plus, I have something special planned for desert.” I winked at him.

He laughed and kissed me.

I wrapped my arms around him. At first his kiss was gentle, then it intensified. I pulled him closer to me. I felt like I couldn’t get close enough to him in that moment. I didn’t care about dinner. I just wanted him. His tongue found it’s way into my mouth and his fist was in my hair. I need this. I need him. I ran my hand under his shirt and I could feel the warmth of his skin and hard muscles. I grabbed the bottom of his shirt and started to push it up towards his head and he took it off. I kissed down his chest and stomach until I reached the top of his jeans. I slowly unbuttoned and unzipped them. I was down on my knees in front of him. Then he did the one thing I didn’t expect him to do. He pulled away from me.

I looked up at him, still panting, “What’s wrong?” I stood.

He looked at me, “Nothing. I’ve just had a long day. I’m tired.”

I kissed his neck, “Too tired for sex?”

He gently pushed me away, “Yes. I just want to take a shower right now.”

“Are you sure? I can help you relax.”

His voice grew darker, “I’m serious.”

He walked away from me and went up the stairs.

What just happened? I slowly walked backwards until I reached the couch and I sat down on the arm. I have never felt so unwanted. Sure there have been times over the past three years when one of us has been too tired to have sex, but it’s never got that far. I don’t understand what went wrong. He seemed so into it at first. I know he wanted it just as much as I did. How could he just walk away like that?

I sat there for a minute trying to gather my composure. Really, I was trying not to burst into tears. Things have felt weird in our relationship lately, but I thought I was just imagining it. Maybe things are slowly coming to an end between us. I decided to shake it off for the time being. He’s had a long week and maybe he is just tired. I guess we’ll see how things go over the next couple of days.

I was stirring the food when Colin came back down stairs. His hair was still wet from his shower. He was wearing a pair of black pants and a white button up shirt. I was happy to see he put in the effort of dressing up for the night. Seeing him in that moment I was so attracted to him it’s ridiculous. I feel like he is the whole package. Not only is he so fucking gorgeous, he’s also really sweet, romantic, and knows how to make me laugh. I can talk to him about anything. He makes me feel like I’m the only person in the world when were together. I don’t want that feeling to ever go away.

He walked into the kitchen, “What do you think?” He asked playfully spinning around.

“You look great.” I said to him.

He looked in the skillet, “This looks good.”

He was standing so close to me that I could feel his body heat.

“It will be done soon.”

“Do you need me to help with anything?”

I told him he could put the plates on the table.

He kissed the top of my head and turned to walk away. Once he was done setting the table, he sat down at the kitchen counter and watched me while I cooked. Knowing his eyes were on me made me feel a little embarrassed, but it kind of turned me on at the same time. I tried to not think about him sitting there. I focused all of my attention on the food in front of me.

“You look sexy right now.” His voice was deep and slow.

I felt myself flush. I didn’t really know what to say to him so I just looked at him and smiled. I started thinking about how he turned me down early and it was hard for me to keep back the tears that I could feel forming.

“What’s wrong?” He asked.

“What do you mean?” I asked him.

He replied, “You’re acting different. Like something is bothering you.”

I continued focusing on the food, “I’m fine. I’m just trying to make sure I don’t burn dinner.” I quickly wiped the tear that fell down my cheek.

I don’t know if he believed me or not but he didn’t say anything.

Once the food was done, Colin helped me carry it over to the table. We didn’t talk much while we ate. Colin would just tell me once in awhile how good the food was and I would thank him. I asked him about his day on set. I always like hearing about his day and what he’s been up to. Apparently, his day was hot and long. It was so hot at one point he thought he was going to pass out.

He had his hand resting on my thigh. I placed my head against his shoulder. I enjoyed any kind of physical contact with him. It didn’t have to be sexual I just wanted to be next to him. I gently kissed his shoulder. I could feel his body tense as I kissed him. I looked in his eyes and my heart started beating a little faster. He leaned over and kissed me. I turned towards him and he kissed me deeper. I ran my hands through the back of his hair and pulled him closer to me. He started kissing my neck and I let out a slight moan.

“I want you,” I whispered in his ear.

He pulled away from me.

“What’s wrong?” I asked more angrily than I should have.

He looked almost apologetic. “I’m sorry. I’m just really tired.”

He’s never turned down sex before. What was happening right now? I had never felt so rejected.

“Please, don’t be mad.” He pleaded.

“I’m not mad.” That was the truth.

I was disappointed.
“The food was good, thank you. I’m going to go change clothes.” He stood up and went up stairs.

I began to clear the table. Once I had the plates in the dishwasher, I picked up my phone that was sitting on the counter beside the stove. I sent Lexi a text asking if she would come over after dinner because I really needed to talk to her. Whenever I have my moments of doubt about anything, Lexi knows how to make me feel better. I think right now I just need someone to tell me that I’m making the situation bigger than what it is.

He came back downstairs wearing nothing but his boxer briefs. I didn’t say anything to him at first. I was mostly trying to calm down so I wouldn’t say something that I regretted. I’ve seen him going on over 24 hours with no sleep before and he still wasn’t too tired for sex. All of a sudden, he’s too tired? It doesn’t make sense.

“Do you want to watch a movie?” He asked.

I turned to face him, “I can’t watch a movie, Lexi is coming over.”

“Why is she coming over?”

I replied, “Why, not? She’s my best friend. I want to see her.”

“Can’t you tell her not to come over so we can spend time together?” He asked.

“No.” I replied.

He didn’t say anything else. He stood up and walked out of the kitchen. I knew I was being selfish, but at that moment I didn’t care. If I lose him it’s going to be my own fault. Just then I heard the doorbell and I knew Lexi was there. I walked into the living room to answer the door. Colin was sitting there on the couch watching TV and drinking a beer. When I opened the door and saw Lexi, she gave me a hug. She doesn’t even know how much I needed that at the moment.

She saw Colin sitting on the couch, so she said, “Hey, Colin.”

He didn’t say anything to her, just waved. I knew he was angry that she was there.

Lexi looked at me for an explanation. I mouthed, “Don’t ask.”

She nodded her head.

I would explain everything to her when we were alone.

We stopped in the kitchen and I grabbed a bottle of wine out of the fridge, and the cork opener out of the drawer. While I was doing that, Lexi grabbed two wine glasses out of the cabinet. We then walked together to the back patio. My favorite thing about late spring in California is the warm nights. I love sitting out by the pool and drinking wine as the sun is going down. I sat in a chair and looked around. This is honestly one of my favorite places to be.

I took the cork out of the bottle and poured some into Lexi’s glass and then mine. I brought the whole bottle with us because it’s rare that we only drink one glass, especially when we are having one of our “girl talks.” I held my glass up to my nose and enjoyed the aroma before taking a sip. I took a bigger than normal sip and felt the warmth spread as it slid down the back of my throat. I looked over and Lexi was staring at me.

“What?” I asked her.

She held up her hands and kind of nodded towards the house, “So, what was that about?”

I took another sip of my wine. “Things have been strange between us today.”

She set her glass down, “No kidding. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Colin in that hostile of a mood. He’s not what I would call a cheerful person, but he’s never that angry.”

“He’s not happy about you being here.” I waited for her reaction.

“Why?” She raised her voice a little.”

I let out a breath, “He wants to spend time alone with me, but I’m not really in the mood to be around him right now.”

I took a sip of my wine and Lexi did the same.

She looked puzzled, “What’s going on? You always want to be around him. Usually, I can’t get you away from him.”

I hesitated because I knew how it was going to sound when I first start explaining.

I sighed and then spoke, “When he got home today he didn’t want to have sex with me.”

Lexi interrupted, “Raelynn.”

I held up my hand. “I know how it sounds. Let me finish explaining.”

“Go on.” She said.

I kept talking. “When he got home, he seemed so excited to see me. He come over to me and started kissing me. This wasn’t a typical ‘hi, I missed you’ kiss. This kiss was hot and passionate. He wanted me, I know he did. Then he pulled away from me. He said he was too tired.”

Lexi interrupted, “Maybe he was tired. You know how rough it can be for him on set. Plus, he’s been spending a lot of his spare time working on his script.”

She’s not wrong. This is why I wanted her to come over. I wanted to hear that I was being paranoid. I wanted to hear her say it was my own thoughts getting in my way. Even though it’s what I wanted to hear, for some reason hearing it isn’t making me feel any better.

I continued my story, “I would have almost let it go if it didn’t happen a second time.”

I think this got her attention. She poured more wine in her glass.

“What do you mean a second time?” She asked.

I continued, “After we finished eating dinner, we were still sitting at the kitchen counter. Once again, we started kissing and things got hot fast. I wanted to take all of his clothes off and fuck him right there. I couldn’t take it any more. I just wanted to be with him. Then, just as before, he pulled away and said he was tired. He said he wanted to spend the evening hanging out and watching movies.”

Seeing her hesitate before speaking made me feel like my concerns were validated a little bit. I’m sure I’m blowing them way out of proportion, but there has to be some truth to how I’m feeling. I took a sip of my wine and waited on her to say something. I started feeling more and more nervous with every second of silence that went by.

Finally, she spoke, “I mean it’s weird he would do that twice.”

“Exactly!” I exclaimed.

She shrugged, “Maybe he just did want to spend time with you. Are you sure you’re not the one who initiated things first?”

I thought for a second, “Okay, even if he did just want to hangout and watch TV, why couldn’t we have had sex first? No. I didn’t initiate things first. He’s the one that started kissing me and running his fingers through my hair.”

The way Lexi was looking at me, I know she wanted to say something but she didn’t know how to.

“What?” I asked. “Just say it.”

“Ok.” She replied. “Have you told him how you feel?”

“No. I told him I thought it was bullshit. He got angry and here we are.”

“Rae.” She said in a calm voice. “I love you, but you have a tendency to over react.”

She’s not wrong about that.

She continued, “What is so wrong with spending some time with him without it being sexual? Give him the benefit of the doubt. Things have been so stressful between you two lately that you may end up pushing him away.”

Pushing him away is honestly one of my biggest fears. I don’t know what I would do without him. When we are apart due to work, I feel like I’m missing a part of me. He is my everything. I love him more than I can ever express. Just thinking about losing him was making me feel all panicky on the inside. I was starting to feel like I couldn’t breath and I could feel tears streaming down my face. Why am I ruining the one thing that means the most to me?

Lexi came over to where I was sitting and wrapped her arms around me. This made me cry even harder. How could one guy have this effect on me? Until he came into my life, I had given up on the possibility of finding true love. Being in the entertainment business, it’s hard to find someone you can trust. It’s also hard to find someone that’s going to be ok with your work schedule. Colin came into my life unexpectedly and we seemed to have things figured out.

“Hey.” Lexi said. “Everything will be ok.”

“How do you know?” I said through sobs.

“You two love each other. That’s how I know.”

I was smart enough to know that just because two people love each other doesn’t mean that are meant to be. I was in a long-term relationship before Colin and I thought it was real. I thought we were going to be together forever. Then, he decided he couldn’t handle the times we were apart and found another girl to be with when I wasn’t around. Colin has been married before and that didn’t work out either.

Maybe one of my problems is that I’ve been too dependent on Colin over the past three years. Other than when we are working, we have spent every waking minute together. To most people, that probably wouldn’t be a problem. For me, it’s hard to juggle several relationships at one time. When I find one or two people I can trust, I focus on them and shut out the rest of the world. I know it’s not the healthiest way to be but, because of my anxiety issues, it’s how I’ve always been. It’s overwhelming for me to try and manage several relationships at one time. I’ve seen therapists over the years who have tried to help me over come this problem, but so far nothing seems to work. Maybe what I really needed was a chance to get away and clear my head?

I gulped down the rest of the wine that was in my class. I wiped away any tears that remained on my face and turned to Lexi excitedly. She was in the middle of taking a sip of her wine. She sat down her class and looked at my skeptically.

“I have a great idea!” I was practically jumping up and down.

“What?” She asked still skeptical.

“What’s the one thing we haven’t done in a long time? Probably since Colin and I started dating.”

“Uhh…” She thought. “I can think of a few things.”

I knew what she was referring to. We might have had moments of experimentation when we were both single. She wiggled her eyebrows. I threw one of the pillows on my chair at her.

“Stop.” I laughed.”

“I give up.” She said. “What are you talking about?”

“Let’s have a girls weekend. Think about it. It’s perfect. I need to get away and clear my head. What better way than a girls weekend?”

“Isn’t that the same thing I said?” She joked.”

“Ha ha.” I said. “Really? What do you think?”

“Are you sure you’re not just trying to run away from your problems?” She asked.

“No.” I assured her. “I need some space to think. I need to have some fun. Please, do this with me.”

“Where do you wanna go?” She finally asked.

“New York.” I replied.

I love the hustle and bustle of the city and I think it would be the perfect distraction.

“Ok. When do you want to go?”

“Tomorrow.” I said and waited for her answer.

I knew it was short notice, but what better time. Colin has been really busy with work so he won’t miss me. I’m in between projects right now, so I’ve got nothing holding me here. I really need this. I think this trip will feel like a breath of fresh air.

“That’s really short notice.” She finally said.

I felt my heart sink. I really needed this.

“I think I can make it work.” She added.

“We can go?” I was excited.

“Yes, we can go.” She agreed.

I jumped up and gave her a hug. “Thank you.”

I got out my phone and we sat there going through hotels until we found one we liked that also had reservations available. The one we normally stay in when we go to New York for work is booked. I kind of expected that since I was looking last minute. That’s ok, because the hotel we did find still seems nice. I was really excited about the trip, but I also felt a little guilty for not running it by Colin first.

Lexi stayed for a little bit longer. We talked about some of the things we were going to do while we were in New York. We also talked about some of the projects we both have coming up in the next couple of weeks. She eventually said she was going to go home and try to get some sleep since we have to be up early to catch the plane. We carried the wine and glasses back to the kitchen and then I walked with her to the front door.

Colin was still on the couch, watching TV, when we walked in. I halfway expected him to be asleep, but he wasn’t. I gave Lexi a hug and then she looked over at Colin.

“Bye, Colin.”

“Later.” He said.

It was more than he said to her when she first got there.

I shut the door behind her and locked it. I then went over to the couch where Colin was sitting. He watched me as I walked back and sat down beside of him. Then he went back to watching the TV. I have no idea what he was watching, but it appeared to be a movie on the SyFy channel. I debated on whether or not I should tell him about New York. After some internal debate, I decided to put it off until later.

I scooted closer to him and slowly reached over and took his hand into mine. I was afraid he would pull away, but he didn’t. I used my thumb to gently rub circles on his thumb. I didn’t have any ulterior motives. I just wanted to be close to him. The future of our relationship is still up in the air, so I wanted to be as close to him as I could for as long as I could be. I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. His jaw slightly tensed, but he didn’t say anything. I used my nails to gently scratch through the scruff that was on his face.

“Are you still mad at me?” I asked, after not getting any sort of reaction out of him.

He didn’t say anything. His attention remained focused on the TV.

“I love you.” I said.

Still no response from him.

I didn’t say anything else. I settled in beside of him and lay my head on his shoulder. I started watching the movie with him.

After a little bit, I started getting really sleepy. I was hoping I would sleep most of the flight in the morning, but I wanted to get as much sleep as I could that night. Though honestly, at this point, I don’t feel like I’ll be getting that much sleep. I have too much on my mind. Whenever I go to bed with stuff on my mind, it’s all I think about all night.

I stood up, “I’m going to bed. Do you want to come?”

“I’ll be up later.” He said.

“Ok.” I replied.

I bent down to kiss him and he actually kissed me back. It was just a quick kiss, but I’ll take anything at this point.

When I got upstairs to our room, I looked around to take it all in. Who knows how much longer I will get to sleep in here? I took off all of my clothes and put them in the hamper. I grabbed one of Colin’s t-shirts out of the drawer and slid it on. His shirts are my favorite things to sleep in. Then, I climbed into bed and turned off all the lights. I must have been tired because I fell asleep almost instantly.

The next morning, I woke up to the sound of commotion in the room. I opened my eyes and I could see Colin walking around the room. I reached for my phone to see that it was four o’clock in the morning. He must be getting ready for work. I looked at his side of the bed and realized he must not have come to bed at all. That means he chose to sleep on the couch instead of coming to bed with me. I was going to say something to him, but didn’t. After a few minutes, I heard him pick up his keys and leave the room. He usually gives me a kiss before he leaves even if he thinks I’m asleep. He didn’t this morning. That means he must still be mad at me. I’m the only one to blame for this situation.

A few hours later, my alarm clock went off and I climbed out of bed. I peeled off my shirt and tossed it on the floor. Then I walked into the bathroom and turned on the shower. I waited for the water to warm up and then got in. The warm water felt so good on my skin. I wanted it to wash away all of the tension in my muscles. I had a flight to catch so I couldn’t spend too much time in the shower. I hurried and washed my hair and then my body before getting out. After getting out of the shower, I threw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. I brushed my hair and put it in a bun on top of my head. Then, I hurried to the closet and got out my suitcase. I threw a few different outfits in my suitcase to give me a variety since I didn’t know for sure what Lexi and I would be doing. Lexi came by a few minutes later to pick me up.

The plane had already taken off before Lexi asked me if I ever told Colin that we were going to New York.

“It never came up.” I answered.

“What do you mean ‘it never came up’?” She asked.

I replied, “That’s what I mean. He barely talked to me last night and he left before I was awake this morning.”

“Raelynn.” It’s never good when she uses my full name. “What is he going to think when he gets home and you’re not there?”

“I will tell him.” I promised.

She didn’t mention it the rest of the flight.

Once we landed in New York and got off the plane, I remembered how much I loved this city. When we were in our taxi on the way to the hotel, I looked out the window at all of the buildings. This city makes me happy. It feels like home. Every time I’m here, I remember how much I like being here.

A thought suddenly came to me. With things being so bad between Colin and me, maybe it was time to start thinking about the future. There’s no point in making it last any longer than it needs to. When Lexi and I get back to California, I’m going to start looking for an apartment. Like that, my decision was made.

When we got to the hotel, I grabbed my phone and sent Colin a text.

Me: I won’t be home when you get there. Lexi and I are in NYC.

Since he was on set, I wasn’t sure when he would get it. Sometimes he replies back pretty quickly and other times it takes hours. Today, however, was a quick response day. Maybe it was because of the subject matter.

Colin: What do you mean you’re in NYC?

Me: I wanted to get away, and think, so Lexi and I came to NYC.

Colin: You couldn’t think at home?

Me: You mean your home?

I knew that was harsh, but the reality is that it is Colin’s home. I moved in with him a year and a half ago.

Colin: No! Our home!

Me: I have also decided when I get back to LA, I’m going to look for an apartment.

Colin: Why?

Me: I’m moving out.

I waited for him to say something else but he never did.

I had been in New York for four days with Lexi. Our two-day girls weekend turned into a few more days. I wasn’t ready to go back and face Colin just yet. Since I hadn’t heard anything from him the entire time I’ve been gone, I assumed he wasn’t ready to face me either. I tried to put the thought of Colin in the back of my mind and enjoy my trip. Lexi and I went to the Statue of Liberty, we took in a Broadway show, and we did some shopping. Considering everything that was going on it, was turning into a fun weekend.

On the fourth day, I was standing in the living room of our hotel suite when I heard the knock on the door. We weren’t expecting any company so I had no idea who it could be. Lexi walked over to open the door. I had my back turned to her so I couldn’t see who it was. I didn’t hear anyone say anything, so I turned to see who it was. I saw Colin standing in the doorway. As soon as I saw him, it felt like my heart stopped in my chest. I hadn’t realized how much I missed him until that exact moment. At first. he just stood there staring at me and then he started walking towards me.

Tears began to fill my eyes as I walked towards him. As soon as he was close to me, I threw my arms around his neck and held him close. He wrapped his arms around my waist and held me close. It felt like I was seeing him for the first time. I didn’t ever want to let him go. All of the emotions from the past few days seemed to erupt at the same time and tears began to stream down my face. We pulled away from each other and I wiped the tears from my face. He looked me up and down.

“You look amazing,” He finally said.

I was wearing my long-sleeve, short, black lacey dress and my black high heel shoes. The dress hits around mid-thigh. I have to be careful and not bend the wrong way or people may see more than they want too. I wanted to feel pretty tonight and this dress did just that. I’m short so my high heels make my legs look longer than what they are. I curled my hair so it had some volume. If I was going to go out on the town tonight, I wanted to do it the right way. I hardly ever get this dressed up anymore just to go out. Usually, if I’m dressed up it’s for a red carpet event.

“Lexi and I were getting ready to go out to dinner.” I explained to him.

“I like this dress. You should wear it more often.” He replied.

I smiled.

“You go enjoy yourself and maybe we can talk when you get back?” He asked.

He came all the way from California to see me and I’ve missed him so much. I wondered if it would be rude for me to cancel dinner plans with Lexi? At that moment, all I wanted to do was spend time with my man. I guess, that is, if he still wanted to be my man. I looked up at him and then at Lexi.

“Is it ok if I just stay here?” I asked her.

“You don’t have to do that.” Colin added.

“It’s completely fine with me.” Lexi assured him. “You two have a lot to catch up on. I’ll be back later.”

She smiled at me before she left the room.

After she was gone, I reached for his shirt and pulled him close to me. I wrapped my arms around his waist and laid my head on his chest. He wrapped his arms around me. I enjoyed just being here close to him. I didn’t realize how much I actually missed him. I missed the way his body feels against mine. I missed the way his hair slightly falls in front of his face. I even missed the way he smells. He smells like his body wash and cologne. I was beginning to think that I would never get to smell those things again.

I looked up at him, “I’m sorry for everything.”

“Don’t be.” He said and kissed my forehead. “I’m sorry if I made you think I don’t want you anymore.”

“You didn’t. I got in my own head and made myself feel that way.” I laid my head against his chest. “I love you so much.”

“I love you more than you even know.” He said.

I looked up at him again. He raised his hand up to the side of my face and gently stroked it. I leaned into his touch. He bent down and kissed me gently. Then he pulled away.

“I missed you so much.” He said softly.

He put his forehead against mine.

“I thought you were leaving me and I didn’t know how to process that.” He added.

He stood back up and I walked away from him.

I was so confused. I didn’t know what I wanted or what I was going to do. “I convinced myself you didn’t want to be with me anymore. The only solution I could think of was to move as far away as I could. Originally, this trip did start out as a girls trip just so I could clear my head. I needed some space, some air to breath.”

“Did you think I was crowding you?” He asked. “If you needed space, baby, all you had to do was say so.”

I turned to face him, “No.” I walked towards him. “It had nothing to do with you. It was my own insecurities. We barely get to see each other as it is because of our work schedules. I didn’t really want space from you. I just thought I did.”

Colin was watching me walk around the room. His stare had a very primal feel to it and I knew what he was thinking. I knew what he wanted to do. I wanted the same thing.

“Can we talk about this later?” I asked him.

He shook his head yes.

I slowly walked over to him. I saw his body stiffen as I approached him.

“I want you.” I barely said above a whisper as I reached up and kissed him.

He picked me up and I wrapped my legs around his waist. He walked until I could feel my back was up against the wall. It felt cool against my skin. He wrapped his fist around my hair and gently pulled my head back exposing my neck. I felt his tongue slide up the side of my neck and then he placed gentle kisses there. I let out a slight moan and he pulled me closer to him. His lips found their way back to mine. It felt so good to be kissing him again. His tongue found it’s way inside my mouth. I ran my hands up the back of his neck and laced my fingers in his hair. He slightly pulled away and looked in my eyes.

“I missed you so much.” He said.

He sat me down. I grabbed his hand and lead him to the bedroom. Once we walked in, he shut the door behind us. I stepped out of my shoes and tossed them to the side. Colin unzipped the back of my dress and I let it fall to the floor around my ankles. I stepped out of it and turned to face him. I ran my hand under the hem of his shirt and pulled it up over his head. I began to slowly kiss his chest. His knee pushed between my thighs and he guided me back against the bed. I fell back onto the bed and he climbed on top of me.

Being here with him in this moment is exactly what I needed. His fingertips seemed to send little waves of electricity through my body. He knew exactly what I needed and he knew how to make me want more. When I felt him enter me, my breath caught in my throat. I closed my eyes and let myself feel every inch of him. I ran my hands down his back and gripped his ass to guide him deeper and deeper. Our bodies felt in synch with each other. Everything around me faded away. All of the stress from the past few days melted away. Nothing mattered in this moment except for him and me.

We lay there side-by-side, naked, and trying to catch our breath. I rolled over on my side so I could look at him. I smiled at him.

“What?” He asked when he caught me staring at him.

“Nothing. I’m just happy.” I answered.

“Good.” He replied.

He leaned over and kissed me. When he lay back down, I put my head on his chest and snuggled up against him. I put my arm across his stomach and held him. He used the hand that was behind me to gently stroke my back. It would have been a very romantic moment if my stomach hadn’t have growled and ruined it.

Colin laughed, “Was that your stomach or a bear growling?”

I playfully smacked him, “Stop. Be nice.”

“Are you hungry?” He asked.

My stomach growled again.

“Yes, I’m hungry. You interrupted my dinner plans, remember?” I told him.

“Do you want to order some food?” He asked.

I sat up on my knees, “Yes, please.”

I leaned down and kissed him.

We agreed on Chinese takeout. Colin used his phone to place our order. Whenever we come to New York together, there is one Chinese food restaurant we always make sure to eat at before we leave. Luckily for us, they deliver. After Colin ordered our food, we both climbed out of bed. As soon as I stood up, I felt stiff so I immediately stretched. Colin was watching me as he put his pants on.

“What?” I asked him.

“I could watch you stretch naked all the time.” He replied.

I rolled my eyes.

“You should consider doing yoga like that every morning.” He added.

“Funny.” I said to him.

I picked up his shirt off the floor and put it on. Then I slid on my underwear. Colin said I could forget those if I wanted to, but since I knew Lexi would be back at some point, I didn’t want to be walking around without any underwear on.

Colin and I walked into the kitchen area. I really needed some water. I poured us both a glass and I drank mine down almost immediately. I poured myself a second glass and carried it with me to the living room. It didn’t take long for our food to arrive and as soon as the scent hit my nose, my mouth started watering. I was already hungry but after the workout Colin just gave me I was starving.

We were in the living room eating and watching a movie, when Lexi came back. She didn’t really say much when she came in. Instead, she said goodnight and went straight to her room. I think she wanted to give Colin and I time alone. I was watching the movie and enjoying my food, not paying attention to anything else. I looked over at Colin and he was staring at me.

“What?” I asked with a mouth full of food. I quickly swallowed and wiped my face.

“You’re so beautiful.” He responded.

I’m pretty sure he was being serious but right there in that moment, I didn’t feel very beautiful. I felt like a hot mess.

Colin leaned over and kissed me. He sat his food on the table in front of the couch. He then took my food from me and placed it beside his on the table. I followed my food with my eyes all the way to the table. I wasn’t done with it.

I pouted.

Colin laughed.

“Come with me.” He said, extending his hand to me.

I took his hand.

He led me towards the bedroom door. I was starting to like where this was going. Once we were in the room with the door shut, he pulled me close to him and kissed me hard. Before I knew what was happening, his tongue was dancing with mine. Colin was claiming me and telling me that I was his. This is the intensity that I missed. He grabbed the hem of the t-shirt that I was wearing and pulled it over my head. He then slid is pants off.

As we were kissing, he picked me up and I wrapped my legs around his waist. He walked over to the bed and laid me down on top of it. He was on top of me, kissing me. I wanted to take control of this situation, so I rolled around so I could be on top of him. I leaned down and kissed him.

“This is how it’s going to be, huh?” He said with a slight laugh.

“Yes,” I said kissing him again.

I wanted to fill him inside of me. I raised my body and he helped me adjust. I lowered myself down on him and closed my eyes as I took in the sensation. I could feel every inch of him. I slowly started moving up and down on top of him. Colin ran his hands up my body and squeezed my breasts. I started bouncing faster and he began to move his hips in rhythm with me. I had my hands placed on his chest to steady myself.

“I love you, baby.” I moaned.

“I love you.” he replied.

He pulled me down to him so he could kiss me. He the rolled around so he was on top of me. He began to thrust harder and harder. I could feel my body start to tense. The sensation kept building until I found my release. I came hard around him.

“Ahh.” Colin groaned as he came.

He pulled out of me and rolled over beside of me.

I laid my head on his chest and he wrapped his arm around me. I was so tired that I almost instantly drifted off to sleep.

I opened my eyes and the sun was shining bright. I squinted to look around the room. I looked beside of me where Colin was laying. When I did, he was propped up on his elbow staring at me.

“What are you doing?” I asked him.

“Watching you sleep.”

“Why?” I asked rubbing my eyes.

“I like watching you sleep.”

“Weirdo.” I laughed.

He leaned over and kissed me.

“We should get married,” He blurted out of nowhere.

I sat up in the bed and looked at him.

“Whoa, what?” I was completely caught off guard.

He sat up so he was facing me. I couldn’t tell if he was being serious or not. Marriage is not something we have ever talked about. We’ve been together three years so it’s not ridiculous for marriage to be the next step. However, our relationship has been really unstable here lately so is it really a good idea?

“We should get married,” He repeated himself.

My mouth was opened in shock, mostly because I was at a loss for words. I thought about what I wanted to say.

“Are you asking me to marry you?” Was the only thing I knew to say.

“I’m saying we should go and get married today.”

I think he has lost his mind.

“We can’t get married today.” Could we?

“Why? We’ve been together long enough.”

I stood up because I didn’t want to be sitting any more.

“Why can’t we get engaged, plan a wedding, and then get married in like a year or so?” That sounded more reasonable to me.

“Why wait? I love you, you love me, and we’ve been together three years now. It makes sense to me.”

My head was spinning.

Colin came over to stand beside me, “Why are you hesitating?”

Why am I hesitating? Because this is completely crazy. Does he think marriage will fix all of our problems? I just don’t understand where this is coming from. I don’t know if I’m ready to get married. I want to spend my life with him so marriage makes sense. After the past few days, I just feel like marriage isn’t the best decision. I could see the hurt in his face. He honestly didn’t know why I was having an issue with this.

“I’m sorry, Colin. I can’t marry you right now.”

“I don’t understand.” He sat down on the edge of the bed.

I sat down beside him, “I feel like we need to think about this some more. Things have been really weird between us lately. I don’t feel like marriage is the solution.”

“I understand.” Colin finally said.

I could tell he felt rejected. A tear fell down my face. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt him. I can’t believe this was happening.

Colin went to take a shower. He had to get ready for his flight back to LA. Lexi and I were planning on staying in New York for another day. I was starting to wonder if that was a good idea. Maybe I should just go back to California with Colin today? I should go back to be with him and show him that I want to make this work. Just because I don’t want to get married right now, doesn’t mean I don’t ever want to get married. Why can’t he see that?

Colin was gathering up his stuff from around the room and placing it in his bags. I was sitting in the bed watching him trying to think of anything to say to make the situation better. Nothing came to mind.

“I can come home with you today.” I said just to break the silence.

“Don’t worry about it.” He replied.

I was kind of taken aback back the fact he didn’t want me to come home with him. I walked with him to the living room door. He opened the door to leave, but before he did he turned back to me. I thought he was going to give me a kiss.

Instead, he said, “Maybe you should look for an apartment.”

He didn’t say anything else. He shut the door and left.

I felt like all of the blood had drained from my body. I dropped to my knees and the tears streamed down my face. Our relationship is over because I don’t want to get married? Lexi came out of her room and rushed over to where I was sitting in the floor. She wrapped her arms around me. Having her sitting there with me made me cry even more. My whole world was caving in around me and there’s nothing I could do about it.

I had been back in Los Angeles for about a week. I had been staying with Lexi ever since we got back. She agreed to let me stay with her until I found my own apartment.

“Don’t be ridiculous. You’re staying with me.” She said when I told her I was going to live in a hotel until I found an apartment.

Lexi and I used to live together before I moved in with Colin. So, she says it makes sense that I would stay with her now. I really am thankful that I have a friend like her to get me through times like these.

I had been looking at apartments all week. So far, I have looked at about ten different ones. Lexi was going around helping me look at them. Most of them were really nice and, in any other circumstance, I’m sure I could see myself living there. Right now, none of them felt like home. My home was with Colin. At least, it used to be. I was trying to get into the mind set that his home was no longer my home. I still hadn’t been by there to get my stuff. I knew I would have to do that soon. I just could face it right now.

Lexi and I were in an Italian restaurant eating pizza after looking at another apartment.

“Are you sure you can’t work things out with Colin?” She asked.

I’ve been thinking about this all week. If there was anything I can do, I would do it. I just don’t know how to make this right.

“I’ve tried calling him several times, but he’s not answering.”

“I think it was a little bizarre that he expected you to get married that day I won’t deny that, but why didn’t you want to marry him?” She asked, while eating a bite of pizza.

“I felt like he was using marriage as a way to fix everything. It’s not something I want to just jump into.”

“Do you want my honest opinion?” she asked.

“You know I do.”

I respect her opinion almost more than anyone else’s. She has never been one to tell me what I want to hear. She always tells me the truth, whether I like it or not. If it wasn’t for her, I probably would have never had the courage to leave my ex-boyfriend.

“Do you think you are just scared?” She asked.

“What do you mean?”

“You were with someone for ten years. You thought you were going to marry him. Are you sure you’re not afraid that things will end the same way with Colin, so you won’t allow yourself to get too close?”

I had never thought about this before. It does make sense.

“I put a lot of time and energy into that relationship. I wasted ten years of my life on something that went nowhere.”

“Rae, your ex was a jerk. It should have never lasted as long as it did. Colin is nothing like him. When he looks at you, you can see how much he loves you. He would do anything for you. You two are great together.”

I know she is right. I just don’t know if it can be fixed at this point. I would do anything I can to make it right. I was so afraid of getting hurt that I hurt the person who means more to me than anything else in this world. A tear fell down my face and I quickly wiped it away. Later that night, I called Colin, but once again he didn’t answer. I left him a message telling him I would really like to talk to him, but he never called back.

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