Excerpt for Scarred by , available in its entirety at Smashwords


Copyright 2017 Amy Sparks

Published and Edited by Aria Grey at Smashwords

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Other Books By Amy Sparks

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not…

Screwed Up

my fiction life


Sincerely, Romeo

A Whisper in the Wind


To my family and to my friends for helping me write this book. I could have never done it without them, and without my imaginative, silly mind. In particular, I would like to thank Aria and my other friends for supporting me.

Thank You.

Chapter 1


Life. What is life? It’s shit, that’s the thing. It’s shit for people who don’t spend it well, and it’s shit for people whose life is gone, just like that. Well, my life was almost gone just like that. And it was all because of one stupid driver who hit me while I was driving. And yes, it was a car accident. A stupid one.

I was just driving home from a party. Yeah, I know. Car accidents usually happen at night, or when you're coming from a party. But I wasn’t drunk. Oh, no. I was sober and alert, my eyes full awake when I was driving. As I was about to turn, this stupid drunk driver hit me as I was turning, which made my car flip five times until it stopped.

I felt it, I felt him hitting me, but I wasn’t screaming. I didn’t do anything, and I just sat there in the damaged cold broken car. Blood everywhere, and I know it isn’t a pretty sight to see. Thank God someone called the ambulance, though.

I woke up three weeks later in the hospital, in shock. Yes, I had been in a coma. The first faces I saw were my parents. Sitting down on the chair. Praying, I think. As soon as I woke up, nurses and doctors rushed in before I even had a chance to say sorry to my parents. Apparently, they thought I was going to die for sure. The doctor said it was a ninety percent I was going to die. But I didn’t. Somehow, that ten percent stuck with me, and here I am. Alive. I guess my parents’ praying did work. Like I said, ninety percent of dying, coming from the doctor.

He told my parents and everyone that I was going to die, and there was no chance of me coming back alive. But I did, and here I am a year later, in bed listening to music while throwing a football up in the air.

I guess I should be lucky that I’m alive. But really? It’s the worst thing in the world for someone that wanted to die. I mean I never wanted to die, but ever since they told me about the crash, and how I needed a heart transplant, well, for people who’ve gone through that, living is the last thing they are thinking about. When I was in the coma they said that my heart wasn’t working and so I needed a heart transplant. Yup, scary, but honestly, I didn’t feel a thing. Maybe because of the coma that was caused because I hit my head hard during the crash, which caused some brain damage. The doctors figured that out after my heart transplant. I wasn’t functioning probably, and so they found out my brain was messed up too. So now I have a big eight-inch scar on top of my chest, where my heart is, also a metal plate in my head. Great, right? I now have a crappy brain and a crappy heart. I feel the luckiest boy in the entire world.

I stand up, since of thinking of the accident and I go to my mirror. I look normal, since it’s been a year, but really? Inside, I must look like shit. Take an x-ray of me, and then you’ll finally see what I look like. The boy in the mirror looks different. Not happy, not strong, not even worthy to be living. I mean I still look the same. I still work out, and I still have my muscles and abs. Twelve pack. Which would make all the girls go crazy, and the guys jealous. I’m also handsome. Like, really handsome. I know, I must sound like an asshole, but really, I am. My mother tells me that every day, which I know coming from a mom means a lie. But I did have lots of girls chasing after me. I was a kind of player.

I did have a girlfriend, but after the accident, I noticed she moved on and got another boyfriend. Nice, right? Wrong, I was mad before. Like, really mad. The mirror I’m looking at now is new. I broke my old one by punching it. If you saw my room before, I had holes in the walls. Like I said, I was mad. I mean can you blame me? She left me because I was hurt. She left me because she thought I was going to die, but no. I stayed alive which still haunts me every day.

Why the hell am I alive? What did I do to deserve this? I mean, maybe God must love me or something because I did nothing to deserve this. Now I’m basically just making myself mad, so I go downstairs. I see my parents sitting down on the couch watching a movie. My parents have been really nice to me throughout the whole year. I mean, they have barely left my side since I got out of the hospital. My mom thinks I’m brittle or something, and thinks that I’m going to fall if I just stand.

My dad thinks I’m pushing myself too much with school and stuff, which is not true. I mean I’m eighteen years old, going to university soon. I’m not giving that up, that’s for sure. I’m learning to become an engineer, and I’m not giving up that dream. I was going to be a football player but come on, that is so not going to happen, so engineering was my second plan. I know my parents hear me because of the creaks from the floor, and so they look up. Crap.

Hey mom, dad,” I say with no emotion. I mean, why would I? I’m a cold, selfish asshole. Ever since the accident, that’s who I’ve been. And I haven’t changed since then. I just walk into the kitchen, opening the fridge to pull out a Gatorade. I really want to reach for the beer, but since my heart is crap, and my brain, I wouldn’t risk it. I pull the cap off the Gatorade and take a big sip out of it. My parents are still looking at me, not the movie. I kind of feel bad for them caring about me so much. I mean it’s my fault I’m wounded. It’s my fault that they’ve stayed all those nights at the hospital, with no sleep. I just walk out of the kitchen and about to go upstairs.

Wait, Connor.” I hear my mom’s voice behind me. I turn around and see her walking up to me with a bag in her hand. Oh, hell no, it’s not my birthday, is it? I think while scratching the back of my head. Like I said, brain damage, can’t remember a darn thing sometimes. Mostly the unimportant stuff.

“I bought you something nice for you to wear when we go out today.” Oh hell no. She pulls out a fit black dress shirt. I forgot, we have dinner plans with my aunt and uncle. Crap. I groan which makes my mom roll her eyes.

Connor, you are wearing this, you hear me? I want you to look nice for tonight. Also, it kind of is your last night with us and your brothers.” She says which I totally forgot. I’m leaving, like tomorrow. Yup, tomorrow is the day I go to university, alone. I’m free, which may sound like I always wanted to leave. I did. I felt like a sick patient all year. I’ve been counting the days since I got out of the hospital. Now today’s the last day. I leave tomorrow. As I try not to smile, and just take the shirt out of my mom’s hands and go upstairs.

I turn around and whisper thank you to her, remembering my manners. At least I didn’t forget about those. I close the door and take off my shirt. There it is. That disgusting scar across my chest. It may look cool to the girls, and some guys, but to me? I hate looking at it every time I change. I quickly unbuttoned the dress shirt and put it on. I button it and then look at myself in the mirror. Damn, I look good. But it’s not like I care anymore. Before I would have been taking pics of myself and texting them to everyone I know. Now, I don’t give a crap anymore. And I will never give a crap ever again.

Chapter 2


People would look at me and think I look like a normal girl, with a normal life, and a normal personality, but really, I was the opposite. I was the girl who would go to parties every single night. The girl who would drink and drink and never stop until my body couldn’t take it anymore. I was the girl everybody knew, everybody heard about and seen. I was the girl who thought she had a boyfriend who loved her, but I was wrong.

I was wrong about everything. I’m not the girl that I was anymore. I’m not the girl who would go to parties or drink or have a boyfriend that said that he loved me. And it all started with one fight, one punch, and one call.

I remember like it was yesterday, although it was actually a year ago. I was at a party, of course with my friends, and Jayce, my (now) ex-boyfriend. I was stoned of course, and so was he. I wanted to go home so I was looking for him everywhere since he drove me here. I found him outside smoking pot which made me mad. I don't usually get mad when I’m stoned and so it surprised me that I was yelling at him. I think I was yelling at him though because he promised me he would stop smoking pot, but of course, that hadn’t changed.

I ran up to him and started hitting him until he took hold of both of my hands and yelled at me. I started crying, tears running down my face, which made him yell more. I spit at his face, and to win, he slapped me. Hard. I felt that hard palm across my face, making me fall on the ground. I went unconscious then woke up in the hospital. The first faces I saw were my parents'. My mom’s tears falling down her face, my dad’s worried look on his face, both coming to me in a hurry, smothering me in kisses.

They told me everything. How Jayce punched me, and that someone called the police when they saw me lying on the floor. They told me how Jayce got arrested because of slapping me. Which of course is abuse. I remember coming home after I woke up, going straight to my room and looking at myself in the mirror.

All I see is a monster. A monster with a black eye, a purple streak on the right cheek. The stitch on the top of my eyebrow which makes me twitch when I would touch it. My lips were swollen, which made them hard to touch. Now it’s been a year and if I look at myself again in the mirror, you wouldn’t see the wounds anymore. The only wound you would see is the wound in my heart. It’s broken, because of Jayce. It’s broken and now I have no trust in guys anymore. It’s broken because I gave my whole life to one guy, and he just threw it away. Threw it away like it was crap. I take my headphones off, and go downstairs. I am scared by my big sis. Of course.

“Em, I’m going to kill you.” I say putting a hand on my heart, feeling the beats going by fast.

“Oh, calm down, scaredy cat. I hope I didn’t make you poop your pants or something.” She says giving me a head rub. I hate how she treats me like a little kid. I mean we are only two years apart. I’m eighteen and she’s twenty. I mean, she’s old, but I’m old too. I kind of want to ask her when she’s going to leave to go back to college, but I shouldn’t ask. I know she’s here for me. I’m leaving tomorrow for university. That’s right, university. A top higher than her. I guess I was just smarter than her, and she was just plain smart. My sister and I look nothing alike though. I mean, she has brown dark chestnut hair, and I have blond hair with light streaks. She has dark brown eyes just like the colour of her hair, and I have blue eyes. I guess I kind of got it from my mom, and she got her looks from my dad. Ah, genes. I’m the same height as her. I think she’s a little bit lighter? But maybe only a pound. Anyway, we look nothing alike. Which I love. I wouldn’t look good with brown hair and eyes, and neither would she with mine.

I jump on her back while she walks away from me.

“Ava! What the hell!?” She says which makes me laugh. I know my parents are in the kitchen, probably thinking about how stupid we look right now. I mean we are adults, not little kids, but I don’t care.

“You scared me, and now I’m getting back at you,” I say as she jumps up and down. She knows that makes me scared. I let go right away before she makes a third jump. She laughs and combs down her hair.

I roll my eyes and go to the kitchen to eat something. My mom kisses my cheek while my dad kisses my head. Ugh, parents. I see that my mom has already made me breakfast, which I smile at her and sit down. She made me my favourite, of course. Whole wheat bagel with a big dollop of Nutella on it. I take a big bite which makes my sister laugh.

“What? I’m hungry. Don’t laugh at me. Don’t think I’ve seen you not eat like this. I’ve seen you eat bacon before, Em. And it’s not pretty.” I say which she sticks her tongue at me. Classic Em.

“Emily, don’t criticize your sister. If she wants to eat like that, she can. It’s her choice, not yours.” Ah, classic mom. Always sticking up for me. I kind of hate it now, though, since she has treated me like a little kid ever since the accident. But I can’t blame her. I would do that to my kid if her boyfriend hit her. I didn’t even know that I was finished the bagel, and now I was asking for more. I’m skinny, so no matter how much I eat, I don’t know where the hell it goes. I stand up going to the fridge pulling out a bag of bagels until my mom stops me.

“Ava, I don’t want you to eat anymore, or else you're going to spoil yourself for dinner.”

“Dinner?” I say turning around to face my mother with a question mark on my face.

“Yes, dinner. Remember? We’re meeting your grandparents there tonight.” She says leaning back on the island. Oh no, no, no, no. I am not facing my grandparents tonight. I mean I love them, but seriously? I am the last person to ever know what’s happening on family plans. I guess I should've seen it coming since I am leaving tomorrow for university and not coming back in a while. So, yeah, of course my grandparents want to come and see me. But it would be better if they came here, not us meeting them at a restaurant. I groan at my mom then turn around and head up in my room. My room and Emily’s room are beside each other, so she can basically hear everything I do in my room. I plop down on my room, then hear my door open.

“Leave, Em,” I say mumbling into my pillow. I feel her weight when she sits down on my bed. She puts her hand on my back and rubs it up and down. I love it. I know I'm supposed to hate it, but I love it. This is just what need. Emily rubbing my back, and not leaving my side. I mean she kind of got a little protective when she heard that I got abused, she rushed to the hospital and stayed by my side until I woke up. I mean, she cried, the first time I saw Em cry. And believe me, I am so going to cherish that moment forever in my head.

“Ava, what’s wrong?” She says in a quiet voice. So that no one can hear us.

“I don’t know. What do you think?” I say mumbling into my pillow. I don’t want to have a conversation right now.

“Well, what I think is that you're being a little stubborn Ava. I mean ever since ‘the accident’ you’ve been gloomy like hell. I mean, I know it’s been hard, but don’t take it on other people Ava. Not even yourself.” Damn it. Why does she gotta be so therapist-like? Crap. I don’t do anything, then feel the weight lifting from the bed. She left. I lift my head up a little bit, to see if she really left or if she’s going to scare me again. But she left. My door is closed and before it was opened. I don’t care that I’m moody. And it’s not because of ‘the accident’. Maybe it’s because I have nobody to love anymore. Nobody to care for. Nobody to hold, or hug, or kiss or touch. I mean, I have my family, but I don’t have anybody for the love. I’m alone. It’s only me, myself and I.

Chapter 3


I’m dressed all willy nilly, which is making me disgusted. I’m wearing the stupid dress shirt my mom bought me, along with a pair of my best dark jeans, and my Rolex watch that I got for my eighteenth birthday. I spray a bit of cologne on myself, which makes me cough. Of course. My brain can’t even handle this shit, so why should I? I put on my leather shoes that take me a long time to tie them. The laces are making my head feel like shit. My hands keep shaking and I keep blinking. Damn it. Screw it. I don’t care anymore. I open my door and yell out one of my brother’s names.

“Aiden!” I yell which makes him run up the stairs. I know I scared him since after the accident he’s been a little bit worried about me. Aiden is only three years younger from me, while James is twelve. We are only three years apart, for some reason. I guess my parents planned it or something. But what the hell do I know? Aiden comes into my room and checks me like ten times. Poor kid, I must’ve scared the shit out of him. All I need from him is to tie my shoelaces, and he must think I must be having a heart attack or something.

“What happened? You ok?” He says, panting.

“Can you tie my shoelaces?” I say and his eyes widen. He puts on a confused looked on his face, then understands. He knows my brain gets messed up sometimes since I called him James. I sit down on my bed and he comes to me and leans down tying my shoelaces. What would I do without my brothers? I probably would’ve died.

There. You ok Connor? You know you can tell me anything. Is your brain messing with you again? Is anything hurting?” He says with concern. I mean, I know he’s fifteen, but God how much I feel sorry for the kid. I mean, he’s taking care of me! I’m supposed to be taking care of him, not the opposite. I rub his head, which makes his hair turn crazy. He laughs under his breath, then stands up and pats me on the shoulder.

Aiden and James look just like me, which makes me happy. We all have my dad’s looks, but my mom’s personality. Meaning that we look hot and tough, but also inside, we are soft and kind. I stand up and follow my brother downstairs. He makes me go first, somehow thinking that I may fall. I just walk downstairs normal, without concern that I may fall. I have fallen down the stairs before because of my brain damage, but that was because I was dizzy, and my eyes were wonky.

As I reached the last step, my mom comes in wearing a nice dress. She checks me over and smiles at me. It makes me happy to see her happy, and so to me, that’s like a pat on the back.

I walk over to the kitchen to grab my wallet, then seeing James. He’s looking in the fridge, then pulling out a water bottle. For a twelve-year-old, he looks older. I guess because we’re tall just like our dad and so we all look older. Also, we look really fit. I mean I’m really fit, with a twelve pack, and Aiden is a little bit smaller but is catching up to me. And, well, James is young, so he’s not catching up that much yet. When he’s older though, he will. He looks up which makes stop drinking, and smiles at me. I smile back and then walk over to him and put my hand over on him. I love my brothers so much, that if someone harms them, I’m going to kill them. Hard. I’m going to make them feel the pain and let them know what they did wrong. That hasn’t happened yet, so I’m good. I grab my phone also, but really, I don’t need it at all. No one really calls me anymore. Only my best friend, Nate. He’s off in college, but he always tries to call me when he’s free. At least I know there’s someone that cares me instead of my family. My dad takes a good look at me and laughs.

Karen, doesn’t he look just like me?” My dad says asking my mom. I roll my eyes and try to get out of this conversation. Doesn’t he know that I look like him? I mean everyone sees it. My brothers are going to look like him too, so really, it’s not a big thing. At least my dad is handsome, so I’m ok with looking like him.

Of course he does, Mike. I mean, look at his face. Just like you when I first met you in college.” My mom says which makes me almost choke. Great, I basically fell in love with my own mother. My parents met in college and dated until my dad popped the question. It was when they just finished college since of course, he wanted to wait until finishing school. They got married, then after a year, they had me. Then three years later they had Aiden, and then three years later they had James.

Mom, really?” I say which makes her laugh. My head is starting to hurt which makes me go to the kitchen and open the medicine cabinet. I grab my meds for my headaches. This is not your normal headache which goes away just like that. No, my headache is like a horrible migraine that annoys you until you treat it. I open it hard, which makes all the pills go flying.

Crap,” I say under my breath. I know my family is looking at me and is feeling my pain. I just pick them up and put one in my mouth and swallow it with a bit of water. I take a deep breath, knowing that it will go away. I put it back away and close the cabinet. I turn around and see my parents and brothers face. They have a sad face on which is making me feel sick. I hate when people feel sad about me, but I know they have to. It’s just how people are. I mean that was me before the accident. I keep unclenching my fist and walk to the door and open it. I don’t look back and just go outside. I take a deep breath of air which makes me feel calm. No turning back, Connor, it’s just you. I really want to take my own car, but after on what happened, my parents are not going to let me drive for a long time. I just open the car door and go to the back. Later it’s followed by my brothers, then my parents. Aiden looks back at me sadly. I see it in his eyes. Damn it. Why the hell does he have to care so much?

 “Connor, are you feeling ok?” He says which I know I gotta answer. If I don’t my parents will think there’s something wrong with me, which there is. I mean come on, I have a crappy heart with a crappy brain. What would you call that? Normal? I just look up and smile at my brother.

Yeah, don’t worry kid. I’m not going anywhere.” I say which makes him smile, and James too. I lean against my seat and take out my earphones. I pop them into my ear and play the music. I hear the music beating through my whole body, making my foot tap. At least I haven’t lost the spark of my music. I close my eyes and just dream. Just dream and think about when I still had a decent brain. When I had a pretty decent healthy heart. When the accident never happened, and I was ok. Fine. Great. The other Connor. Not this one. Not the crappy shitty one. But what can I do? All I can do is smile, laugh and think it’s going to be ok. But it’s not. It never will be. Ever again.

Chapter 4



I look like an idiot. I’m in my room looking in the mirror, disgusted at myself. I’m getting ready to go to the restaurant to meet my grandparents for dinner. I’m wearing this dress that makes me look like a little kid. I just want to die. I don’t really have any other good dresses, so I’m dead. At least mom hasn’t looked at me yet, so I’m good. For now. I’m startled by my door opening. It’s just Emily, which makes me feel calm. Emily looks at me and laughs. I roll my eyes and go on my knees.

“Please Em, help me!” I say which makes her laugh more. I know begging for my sister to help me is a little bit pathetic, but come on. I look like a five-year-old! Emily takes my hands and brings me up. Emily looks so pretty, and I just look like a kid. She’s wearing this tight cute beachy purple dress. And damn, she looks good. I mean I hope she’s not trying to pick up someone there over dinner. I mean, Emily is not that good at keeping guys. The most she’s been with a guy was only a month. I mean come on! Emily’s hair is down, but curled which makes me want to touch it. She takes my hand and leads me to her room. She opens her closet which makes a big thump.

I sit down on her bed, hoping she’s not going to give me a slutty dress. Thankfully she pulls out a cute blue beachy dress, not tight, but just enough to hug my body in the right places. Ugh, never mind, I don’t want it. It’s tight on the chest, but flowy on the bottom. I put it on quickly without saying anything because I know Emily’s going to shut me up. I walk over to her mirror and groan. My boobs look big. Like I don’t have big big boobs, but this dress is pretty tight on the top, so of course my boobs are going to look big. Hoping that there are no boys there, I’ll be fine. Emily then pulls out a pair of shoes that match the dress. What else does she have in there? A hair stylist? She tells me to sit down, which I do as she goes down on the ground and puts the heels on me. She must think I’m an idiot. I can’t put high heels on my feet. But she’s right, I can’t. I mean, these types of heels have so many straps, and it would take me a long time to do. Luckily Emily is fast, so we have time to do my hair. Emily hasn’t said anything and neither have I.

I guess she works well when everything is quiet. I sit down on her chair as she does my hair. She curls it fast, then puts it in a cute messy low bun. She then sprays it with perfume to make it smell good, I think? She moves to my face next. She puts some eyeshadow, mascara, blush then some clear sparkly lip balm. I know when she finishes by the squeal that she makes.

“I should be a makeup artist or something.” She says putting her makeup back into place. I get of the chair and give her a big hug.

“Thanks, Em. I don’t know what I would without you.” I say, which makes her squeeze tighter.

“I know.” She says letting go of the hug and looking me in the eyes. I smile and take her hand as we go downstairs. I see my parents in the kitchen all dolled up like us. My dad is wearing a suit, while my mom in a nice dress. They see me and Em and it makes them smile. I bring my phone just in case, and put it in my bag. I walk out first and go in the car. Em sits next with me of course, and my parents in the front.

“You look so pretty, Ava.” My mom says, turning to see me. I smile and then look at Em. She’s rolling her eyes of course. I mean, who wouldn’t. I didn’t even do all of this. Em did, which makes her mad.

“What about me, mom? What am I? Chopped liver?” She says which makes me burst into a laugh. My mom just waves her hand at my sister, while rolling her eyes.

“Nonsense, Emily. You look really pretty. Both of you do.”

“Thanks, mom.” Me and Em say at the same time. We both laugh and then go back to what we were doing. I go on my phone and check Instagram, and of course, nothing on my page. I stopped posting when I got out of the hospital. I didn’t need anybody say how pretty I looked in the picture, or where I got that shirt, or where I took the pic. I don’t need any of that. All I need is me, and my family. I close Instagram and take out my earphones out of my bag. I plug them into my phone and lean back into the seat, and listen to the music vibrating through my whole body. I’m in sync right now with my music, and there’s nobody stopping me.

Chapter 5



The touch of my knee wakes me up. I look and it was James shaking me. I guess they were calling my name and I didn’t hear them. My volume of the music was up all the way, so I can’t blame them.

“Dude, you scared me. We’re here.” James says, pointing to the restaurant. Ugh, now’s not a good time. My head is starting to hurt, and my stomach is not feeling that well. And now I gotta have dinner with my aunt and uncle. How can this day get any worse?

“Um, Aiden, can you do me a favour?” I say, trying to get up. Damn, my stomach hurts. I try to grab the back of the seat, which scares Aiden more. I finally get up, looking like an old person in front of my brothers. Thankfully my parents are trying to find a parking space.

“What do you need Connor? Please Connor, please be okay.” My brother says in a worried, concerned voice. Great, now I’m making my brother scared. He takes his seat belt off, then tells James on what’s happening. Great, now James is scared.

“James, calm down, please. I’m fine. I just need you to carefully grab mom’s purse, without her looking, and grab the white bottle of my pills. Please Aiden, please.” I say, about to faint. Shit, I don’t feel good, at all. If I don’t at least take one pill, I’m going to faint. Aiden nods quickly, then carefully without making a noise, he reaches and grabs my mom’s purse without her looking. She’s looking out her window, helping my dad find a spot to park. Thank God, it’s full.

Aiden grabs the purse quickly without making a noise, and searches for the bottle of my pills. My mom always has the pills for me just in case something bad happens, and that time is now. Great. Aiden finds it quickly and hands it to me. I open it fast, and I put the two pills in my mouth. James gives me his water bottle, and so I drink it until the pills are long gone into the pit of my stomach. I hand Aiden the bottle and then take a big deep breath. My headache is gone, and my stomach is feeling a lot better. I guess today was my day after all. Aiden puts the bottle of pills in my mom’s purse without her looking. In just the right time, my dad finds a parking spot, and now we have to go have dinner with my aunt and uncle. Great.

“Ok, ready boys?” My mom says while turning to look at us in the back. If she found out on what happened a second ago, she would’ve had a heart attack. Sometimes I would like my mom’s help, but now, she takes it too serious sometimes. Like if I’m just coughing, she will want to take me to the hospital. I mean come on. I just smile at her and nod.

“Great, well come on guys. You don’t want to be late, nor hungry.” My mom says while opening her door to come out. My dad does the same, as do my brothers. I’m the last one to come out since I sat at the back. I pull myself out of the seat, and get out of the car. The nice hot wind is blowing in my face, which makes me feel alive. James and Aiden look at me in concern, and I just put both of my arms around them. God, I love them so much. So, so much. My dad opens the door for us and my mom and the only thing I feel is the AC blasting. Damn it’s a little chilly. I mean, I am wearing a long sleeve dress shirt, but maybe I should've brought a jacket to wear over it.

I see my mom talking to a girl who works there. I guess this must be one of those fancy restaurants where you need a reservation to get in. My arms are still around my brothers, and I think that if I let go, I may fall, but I don’t let go. I just let them support me and hope that my mom doesn’t find this weird.

The girl that my mom was talking to has taken four menus for us I guess, and is guiding us to our table. My aunt and uncle aren’t here yet, I guess, which is good. I may need a little time to get myself together again. This girl is maybe about the same age as me? Maybe a little bit older. She’s cute, but I’m not doing this again. She’s not even my type anyway. She’s short, and looks really perky. I don’t really like those kinds of girls. I just like girls who express themselves, and show their true emotions. A girl who doesn’t give a shit about anybody, only about herself, and for the people who she loves. But I hardly believe I’m going to find the one. I mean, before when I was with Beth, I was in love. I mean I was always with her, and I would always tell her I loved her. And I did, but I guess after the accident, she thought that I was going to die, and so she didn’t even wait, she didn’t even ask, and so she got a new boyfriend.

When I found out, I almost lost it. I broke a lot of stuff, even myself. I mean she was the first girl I kissed, the first girl I slept with and the girl who took my virginity. Nice, right? I’m so careful sometimes. But it’s not my fault. She was wearing a hot dress that night, one that needed to be left on the ground. I was with her for three years, and just like that, it was gone. Of all those years I stayed with her, of all those years I told her how much I loved her, and of all those years I couldn’t even sleep until knowing she was safe home. And now all those years are just crap. They are just gone down the toilet, left with my brain and my heart. The thought of Beth runs through my brain, which is now hurting. Crap. I shake my head so that the thought can leave my brain. I scratch the back of my head and stretch.

The girl eyes me for a little, which makes me roll my eyes. Of course. I just smile at her and sit down on the table. Cute, but not for me. At all. Aiden elbows me and eyes me, telling me that the girl is hot.

“Calm down.” I say to him. He winks at me and I laugh. I know that girl is still looking at me because James gives me the signal. We kind of have a signal when a girl looks at one of us. I know, it’s such a guy thing. But what can we do? The signal is two winks, with a raise of eyebrows. I just laugh knowing that the girl must be embarrassed, or maybe happy that she knows that I noticed.

Hopefully my mom and dad don’t notice though, or I’m going to have that conversation all over again, about how that girl looks nice, and how you should see someone now Connor, or else you’re going to be lonely through university. Before, the conversation was to make sure I would use protection while having sex, which I did. If I didn’t, I would’ve had a child long ago, and I’m not sure it would be wise for me to have a kid at the age of eighteen. The girl hands us the menus, then eyes me for a second, then leaves. Moving her hips by the sides, making sure that I was looking. I totally was. I scratch the back of my head and just open the menu to see what’s good. Somehow catches my eye, and it’s not that girl who was here eyeing me. It’s my aunt and uncle. Great…

I turn to see Aiden’s expression and he just rolls his eyes. My parents stand up first to greet them, and then James stands up. My aunt pinches his cheek, which makes me laugh. He’s the youngest of us, and so of course he’s going to get a cheek pinched. It’s then Aiden who gives my uncle a hand shake, and my aunt a kiss on the cheek. Then of course it’s me. I’ve been dreading this day, because I know they’re going to ask me how I am, and how I’m feeling ever since ‘the accident’. I stand up and smile at my aunt and uncle.

My aunt comes up to me and touches my face, almost about to cry. I give her a hug as she kisses my cheek so hard, I think she made a lipstick mark. My uncle gives me a hug too, not a handshake like he normally does. I sit back down with my brothers and take a deep big breath. Ok, I can do this. Right? I can. I will. Hopefully…



After talking for what seems like hours, we have all ordered our food. Aiden has googled this restaurant on his phone, and he told me how it has good food, but it takes really slow to prep. Great. That’s what I need right now. Slow food, which means I gotta talk more with my aunt and uncle. My parents mostly have been talking with them, but I know it’s my turn to talk. My aunt takes off her scarf, and looks at me.

“So, Connor. How are you?” She says smiling at me. My parents give me that stare, meaning that I gotta answer back. Damn it. I just smile and put my fingers through my hair.

“I’m great, Aunt Mary. Don’t worry.” I say in a happy voice, which actually is about to break soon. I can't really break my cover, showing on how much pain I kind of am right now. My head freaking hurts right now, but there’s nothing I can do. Mom’s purse it on her side, and so if Aiden helps me take it from her, she’s going to see it. I just try not to think of it, and just take deep breaths every minute. I don’t even know my uncle is talking to me until James is shaking my arm. Damn, am I deaf? I turn around to see my parents face in concern. Damn I’ve scared them. Great, just what I need.

“What did you say, Uncle Jim?” I say trying to get myself back from reality.

“Are you all right, Connor?”

“Yes sir, don’t worry. I was just thinking of something I guess, and I wasn’t paying attention. I guess my brain is really messed up, isn’t it?” I say laughing, but no one laughs. I cough a little, knowing I’m an idiot for bringing up the brain thing. It’s not my fault. It’s not like it happened to someone else in the family. It happened to me, so it’s ok if I make a joke about it. I look at my napkin and unfold it to put it on my lap. I need to do something with my hands, and that was the only thing I could think of. I also don’t eat like a pig, and these are my good jeans, and so of course I needed something to protect while I eat. The food arrived just in time as I put the napkin on my pants. Thank God. I didn’t have anything to say after that stupid joke, so this is good luck for me. As the food comes, my mouth is watering. I ordered the gnocchi with tomato sauce and meat, and both of my brothers ordered hamburgers, while for some reason all the adults ordered fish. I guess fish is an old people food or something. I don’t really care though, the only thing I care about is getting this food into my mouth. As I put some pieces of gnocchi on my fork I’m about to put it in my mouth until I stop. Something has caught my eye, and I can’t stop looking.

Chapter 6


Something has made me stop walking, stop breathing and to stop moving. When we got out of the car I knew that this dress was too short, and showed a lot of cleavage, but no, my parents not only allowed it, they loved it! When I got out of the car the wind was blowing, which made my dress fly up. I didn’t put any shorts on underneath, which was my fault. Emily just said I looked good, which made me think it was okay that my dress was a little on the short side, but now, I’m regretting letting her help me.

As soon as I headed into the restaurant and to our seats I know someone was looking at me. And it wasn’t just someone. It was a guy. A very cute one. I look back at the guy who was looking at me. Before, I was thinking he wasn’t that hot, but after actually looking at him, damn.

I couldn’t even think anymore. Let alone breathe. I feel like he was about to eat but he stopped after seeing me. Am I that hot? I mean I guess in this dress, it can change anyone. Even someone who hasn’t even been with a guy for a year. Has it really been that long? Ugh, I’m so stupid. I’m looking at the guy who’s looking at me, which is making my heart skip a beat. My parents know that I’ve stopped walking, and so I hear my mom calling me.

“Ava, come.” She says which makes me break and turn back into reality. I shake my head and focus on my mom. Emily just laughs which I groan. What the hell did I just do? I take a deep breath and just walk over to my parents until I noticed that our table is right next to that hot guy’s table. I groan and put my hands in my face. Emily sits next to me and laughs. I put my hands down from my face and give her the I will kill you if you don’t stop.

“Oh, calm down Ava. You haven’t had a boyfriend ever since the thing. He looked at you! Ava, he looked at you, and come on, isn’t he, like, hot?” She says which I hate that she’s right. He is. He really is! Why couldn’t he be ugly or something. He just had to look hot, sitting down wearing a black dress shirt. The shirt is tight on him, so I can see his abs. Does he have a six-pack? Ugh, I can’t believe I’m thinking about his packs! I shake the thought out of my head which makes my parents look confused. I just smile at them and swear under my breath. I need to do something right now, so I grab my phone out of my bag. Great, my phone will at least distract me from him. Maybe I could guess what his name is. Or his age. Or his likes. No! No, I cannot be thinking of him again. All guys are the same. After what Jayce did to me, I can’t even think of myself surviving a day with a guy anymore. Some lady comes to our table and brings us menus, which makes me happy that I can cover my face with it. I turn off my phone and open the menu bringing it to my face. I’m kind of wondering where my grandparents are, and so I look around the restaurant for them.

“Hey Em, when are grandpa and grandma coming?” I ask Emily. My eyes are still on the menu.

“They’re coming right now. Don’t worry. I’ll make sure the guy is still looking at you.” She says which makes my heart stop.

“Don’t you dare.” I say, shooting a death stare at her behind the menu. Thank God, my parents aren't paying attention. Emily cannot be serious. I put the menu down a little bit from my face, seeing if that guy is still looking at me. But he’s not, he’s eating his pasta. But in the corner of his eyes, I know he’s looking at me. Damn, he even looks hot eating. I groan and put the menu up on my face again. How the hell am I gonna leave if I can’t even look at his face?

“Ava, I gotta go to the washroom. Come.” She says, which makes me want to have a panic attack. There is no way I am going to go to the washroom with her. I don’t even want to move, or get out of my seat.

“Are you crazy?! I am not going to go to the washroom with you. You are not a little kid Em, you don’t need me to guide you to the washroom.” I say. She rolls her eyes. Damn she’s gonna make me go with her.

“Ava, come. Please. I can also do your makeup. Please.” She says with a puppy face. Damn her puppy face. It’s so darn cute, that I just have to go now.  I put the menu down, and groan at my sister. I know that guy is looking at me, but I don’t care. I just need to get up, and walk to the bathroom without looking at him, or at his direction.

“Hey mom, dad. Me and Ava are going to go to the washroom. We will be back okay?” She says getting up from her chair.

“Ava and I.” I say, correcting her grammar. I’m going to become a high school English teacher, so everyone's grammar has to be on point. Even my sister’s. My sister hates it when I correct her grammar, and so she sticks her tongue at me, and scoffs. I stand up, fixing my dress a little bit, which makes my sister roll her eyes at me. There is no way I’m going to do this, but somehow I am.

“Ava! Come on!” She says in a whispering shout. Damn it. I take a deep breath, fix my hair then push in my chair and follow my sister to the washroom. I’m trying not to trip and fall, but it’s so hard. My legs are shaking somehow, and these heels feel like they’re getting taller and taller. It’s amazing what the mind does to you when you’re scared of something stupid.

I walk over to where my sister was and try to see where she is, but I can’t find her. Maybe she’s already gone to the washroom? I look behind to see if she’s sitting down at our table, but she’s not. Then my eyes make my way to that guy’s table, but he’s not there either. Ok, if this is a little game that my sister put with this guy, count be out. If I find her making out with him in the bathroom, I’m gonna be sick. But he is very cute, so I don’t blame her if she does. I don’t have little time and so I’m just gonna try to search the whole restaurant too see if I can find her. And when I do, oh boy she’s gonna feel pain and torture coming from me and my stupid grammar. The only thing in this stupid restaurant is the kitchen and the bathroom’s. I am so not going in the kitchen, but I will go in the washroom. I walk to the girl’s washroom and try to see if Emily is in there. Damn, even the washroom is big!  

“Em? You in here?” I say looking in the stalls to see if she’s in one of them. I checked all of them and she’s not in any of them, which is making me mad. I’ve gotta go back to my table, or else my parents are gonna expect something wrong. And there is something wrong! I can’t find Emily!!! I open the door which makes a big slam. Damn, I’m hungry, but if I don’t find Emily right now, I’m gonna break something. I look back on the bathroom door to see if I actually broke it, which I didn’t, luckily. I take a deep breath and then turn around to find Emily again, but as I turned around, I bumped into a chest. A fit chest, one where if you just bump into, you can feel the twelve pack of abs that person has. I don’t see who it is, which is making me nervous. What if it’s a murderer in the restaurant poisoning our food? Oh God, mom’s right, I should stop watching horror movies.

“Um, I am so, so sorry.” I say taking a step back to see who it is. My heart stops when I see the face. It’s that guy, that hot guy that was staring at me. He smiles at me while he scratches the back of his head. His eyes light up when he sees me. Oh God, did he do this on purpose or something? I take another step away, and say my prayers in my head. I am so gonna kill Emily, and when I’m done, I’m gonna kill myself so I don’t have to remember on what just happened. He checks me out, which makes me uncomfortable. Ugh, guys are pigs. How did I not see it with Jayce?

I shake my head and turn away from him. I swear under my breath, and leave. Not even saying goodbye, I just leave. Somehow my manners today are like shit. I guess today’s gonna be a bad day for me. After walking away from that hot guy, I look for Em. Why the hell did I listen to her? I must be a Goddamn idiot.

“Hey, wait!” I hear, which makes my heart drop. I know it’s a guy’s voice, so it must be that guy. I take a deep breath then turn around. Just my luck, it was him. He somehow doesn’t know what to do with his hands, and so he keeps touching his hair. He must be one of those stupid guys, the kind who really love themselves. I scoff at myself, then shut my mouth hoping he didn’t hear me. I must look like one of those mean girls. The ones who love themselves more, and have a big ass attitude all the time. I’m now thinking of the movie ‘Mean Girls’, which makes me laugh. Oh God, I must look like an idiot in front of him. But what do I care? It’s not like guys are not idiots too. This is getting really awkward, and so to clear the air I just start the conversation of what’s gonna be the worst thing in the world. HELL.

“Yeah?” I say which makes me overthink this. What if he asks for my phone number? What if he does something stupid and says like a sex joke to me? Ugh, this is making me wanna throw up.

“I uh, I was just wondering if you were looking for your sister?” He says which makes my eyes light up. Oh, dear God yes, I’m looking for her!

“Yeah, I am. My stupid sister told me she was going to the washroom, which she told me to come. When I got up, she wasn’t there, which you know.” I say motioning around the restaurant. I roll my eyes and groan. I know he feels my pain, on how siblings are. I mean I saw two boys, maybe younger then him sitting next to him. I’m guessing it’s his little brothers, since it cannot be his friends. Who knows.

“Oh, well I saw her sitting down at your table with your family.” He says which makes me mad. I cannot believe after looking for her around the whole restaurant, this stupid guy comes and tells me she’s sitting at our table. I’m unclenching and clenching my hand which I know he’s looking at it. He licks his lips, which makes my heart skip a beat. Okay, he is really freaking hot. Like really, really hot.

I turn around to see if my sister is sitting at our table, so I know he’s not lying. I stretch my neck a little bit, and try to see if she’s there. And she is. That little liar is sitting down at our table, and somehow, she looks so innocent, it makes me want to kill her. I swear under my breath and walk away from the guy. I must look crazy, cause I’m not walking. I’m, like, speed walking. I can feel the guy's eyes on my ass, but I don’t give a crap. All I give is how Emily is sitting at our table looking like a little angel! As I arrive at our table, I see my grandparents, but I’m not saying hi yet. I look at my sister’s face, and all she does is smile. I mean I know she’s not mean or something, but right now she’s being evil on my heart. She knows I’m not ready for another guy right now. I mean, since the accident with Jayce, how can I move on to another guy? I stare at my sister, in her eyes and I know she looks scared.

Mess with me, and you are so gonna die.

I sit down nicely and smile at my grandparents. My parents though, look at me with confusion. Of course, they would. Emily must’ve told them I was in the washroom or something, but really the only reason I was in the washroom was because I was looking for her! I shake my head and turn to my grandparents and smile, after this, Emily is so dead.

“Hey grandma, grandpa.” I say in this little child voice. I feel like this guy is still behind me, and so I turn around to check. For some reason, he is. His hands are in his pockets, and he’s staring at me. A full stare with those golden eyes. Huh. Does he have like brain damage or something? Why the hell is he still standing there? With a confused expression, I turn back around and continue to look like a little kid in front of my grandparents. They smile and hold my hands.

“How are you Ava? How is everything?” Grandpa say which leads to a question to my mind. How have I been? That questions stirs in my mind for about a good minute, which making Emily cough, telling me that I should answer fast, or they’ll think I’m retarded or something. I just laugh and swallow.

“Oh yes, sorry. I have been very good, thank you for asking, Gramps. I’ve been extremely well.” I say hoping I have my grammar on point. If I’m going to become an English teacher, my grammar has to be on point in everything I say. After answering all their questions, I turn to my sister and give her a death stare. I am so going to kill her.

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