Excerpt for Cyber Mittens by , available in its entirety at Smashwords

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Cyber Mittens

by Phoenix Baker

Copyright 2015

Smashwords Edition

Cyber Mittens

Samantha: Hello again, gentle reader!

Nina: Hi there!

Samantha: Sam and Nina here! In our customary positions!

Nina: For the uninitiated, that means a brief chat session before we get to the actual story, both of us on laptops. I'm butt-naked on the floor, and Sam's machine is perched precariously on my back.

Samantha: For the extra-uninitiated, the rules are... oh, go and read Mittens and Schrödinger's Mittens, it'll explain why Nina actually types out her protestations to my hairbrush-spanks.

Nina: If you're just looking to get off, you don't need to read the first two stories.

Nina: But you'll enjoy this one much more if you do.

Samantha: Hell, go and read the first two stories especially if you're just looking to get off.

Samantha: Anyway, here we are, to do the introduction to...

Samantha: NINA.

Nina: Yes, mistress?

Nina: OW! Hey, what was that for?!


Nina: I call it "Cyber Mittens!" :D

Samantha: So, not High-Voltage Mittens, then.

Nina: Um...

Samantha: See, now I'm gonna have to use the hairbrush.

Nina: :(

Samantha: DO

Nina: ow

Samantha: YOU

Nina: OW!

Samantha: REALIZE

Nina: aaaahahahowww!

Samantha: HOW LONG

Nina: aaaaaah!


Nina: Ohhhhoh, oh, oh, my poor bottom!


Nina: I'm sorry, mistress!

Samantha: FOR HIGH

Nina: OW!

Samantha: VOLTAGE


Nina: ...

Nina: ...mistress?

Samantha: Wait for it...

Nina: okay...

Samantha: MITTENS?

Nina: AAAAaaaaah ow ow ow why did I give it a three-word title

Samantha: Why isn't it finished, Nina?

Samantha: And what's this that we're reading instead?

Nina: It isn't finished because just before I wrote the ending, I got inspired!

Nina: And what the Dear Readers are reading is this inspiration!

Nina: It's about pancakes and butts!

Samantha: Pancakes and...

Samantha: *sighs*

Nina: ...

Nina: ...I hope you like it?

Samantha: Is this about that time we ate all the pancakes?

Nina: ...maybe

Samantha: You wrote a story about that. And you published it on Smashwords. And, by extension, all the other ebook sites too.

Samantha: You know, Nina, I've looked at every single erotica category on Smashwords.

Samantha: You wanna know which one's the most underrepresented?

Nina: ...the pancake section?


Samantha: THAT'S RIGHT.

Samantha: Underrepresented, in fact, to the point of NOT FUCKING BEING THERE.


Nina: Maybe they should make a pancake section!

Nina: We'd be the first story in it!


Samantha: FOREVER.

Nina: Oh man, Sam, can you imagine our sales if we tapped into that niche?

Nina: For those people who like pancake erotica, we'd be the only game in town!

Samantha: Yes, for those people.


Samantha: And I'm pretty sure one of them is you.

Nina: Sam if we got three sales that'd actually be quite a bump, for us. :P

Samantha: It's a good thing we're not doing this for the money, huh.

Nina: Anyway, it's not actually about the pancakes.

Samantha: (Dear Reader, if you came here for pancake porn, and I know at least one of you did because this is the internet, you can stop reading now)

Nina: It's about the day after the pancakes.

Samantha: Oho!

Samantha: That day!

Samantha: Well, all right then!

Samantha: Lead on!

Nina: Very well, Mistress, I shall. :)

Nina: Enjoy, gentle reader!


A voice issued from Nina's purse.

"Do you have the time, to listen to me whi-Do you have the time, to listen to me whi-Do you have the time..."

Nina rummaged, resolved to change her ringtone for the ninth time that week, pulled out her phone, glanced at the display. She smiled, and hit the green thing.

"Hey, Sam!" said Nina, more loudly than she had to.

"My God, Nina!" cried Samantha, tinny in Nina's ear.

Nina's eyes widened. "Shit, what's wrong?" she asked, standing up.

"I've - " Samantha hesitated, then spoke in a timid, squeaky voice - "I've put on two and a half kilos since we started having sex!"

Nina sighed, relaxed, let herself fall back into the cushions. "From the way you sounded, I thought your house was on fire."

"Two and a half kilos!" said Samantha, a static-laden voice in Nina's ear. "It's only a week and a day since I kissed you!"

Nina shrugged. "That's what happens to people when they're in love, Sam, they put on a little weight." She frowned. "How the hell much is two and a half kilos, anyway?"

"Like five and a half pounds!" Samantha sounded distraught. "I've put on nearly three quarters of a pound a day! That's nuts!"

Nina closed her eyes, rubbed them with the fingers of her left hand. "Sam," she said, gently, "First, you're still gorgeous, don't worry about that. Second, do you remember what we did yesterday?"

Samantha paused. "Um..."

"We went out to a fancy breakfast," said Nina, "then we cuddled up and watched movies. When we were hungry again, you made us pancakes. Special one-week anniversary pancakes."

"I remember..." said Samantha, quietly.

"And by "Special," you meant "Normal pancakes, but more of them." Quite a lot more, it turned out." Nina picked up her mug of tea. "I was full when I was like halfway done, but we just carried on. We ate them all up, even though we didn't need to, just because we could. It was an orgy of pancake gluttony."

Nina heard a moan from Samantha. She grinned.

"Oh, that's not the worst part. You remember what happened after?" asked Nina. "A few minutes after you put down your fork, you turned to me and declared that you had become sleepy from eating too many pancakes, and you required," she grinned, "and I quote, a 'pancake nap.' Your words, Sam. That's why we're both putting on weight. In one short week, you went from daily jogging and weight training to sofa-movies and pancake naps."

"Oh, God..."

"I enjoyed that pancake nap, too," said Nina, unconsciously pinching at her own stomach. "And then we were both too full of pancakes to even make love, so I just... kind of... waddled on home."

"No more pancake naps!" said Samantha.

Nina grinned. "Who are you, the pancake police?"

"I have to put this right. Quick, what's the opposite of a pancake nap?"

Nina thought for a moment. What the hell is the opposite of a pancake nap? "A..." She furrowed her brow. "A carrot..." she shrugged. ""

Samantha took a second in answering.

Nina held her breath.

"...a carrot sex?" said Samantha, finally. Nina could hear the grin in her voice.

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