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The Adventures

Of A

Brown Bear:

BOOK 1


By

Macca G


Copyright  Macca G 2017


The rights of Macca G as author of this work have been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.


All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission of the author and publisher.


You can find this and many other great books at: www.maccagauthor.com.



Books by Macca G


The Adventures Of A Brown Bear book series includes:


The Adventures Of A Brown Bear: BOOK 1

The Adventures Of A Brown Bear: BOOK 2

The Adventures Of A Brown Bear: BOOK 3

The Adventures Of A Brown Bear: BOOK 4

The Adventures Of A Brown Bear: BOOK 5

The Adventures Of A Brown Bear: BOOK 6

The Adventures Of A Brown Bear: BOOK 7


Introduction


The Adventures Of A Brown Bear follows the dating life of Brown Bear (BB), a short, 30-something trying to meet someone in today's Tinder world.


His dating experience is almost non-existent. When he was at school he was quite shy and never really interacted with girls as his focus was on his studies so that he could get into a good university, therefore supposedly trivial life experiences such as learning how to interact with and speak to girls fell by the wayside.


Following school, he went to Newcastle University to do his undergraduate degree where, through being a genuinely nice guy, he garnered some female attention. Sadly, due to his lack of experience and confidence, the attention never really amounted to anything. After six years in the North, BB moved to London to embark on the tumultuous journey that is a PhD. During this time, success with the ladies came in dribs and drabs. However, with the encouragement of The VIP (the term BB uses to describe him and his two best friends) he developed some experience in the dating game.


Unfortunately for BB, the following two years proved to be a difficult time. Close friends moved abroad, the relationship with his supervisor slowly broke down and the pressure at work mounted. Completing his PhD should have been a truly momentous and joyous occasion, however passing his viva was not enough to salvage the wreckage of his battered self-esteem. A period of rehabilitation then ensued, which yielded mixed results as BB managed to actually go on some dates.


In Book 1 of The Adventures Of A Brown Bear, readers get to find out about BB’s experiences in the dating game having never really embraced it before. In addition to seeing how BB’s initial dates go, readers get their first glimpse into what The VIP is like and what they’re about.


EPISODE 1: DATE 1

EPISODE 2: DATE 2

EPISODE 3: THE VIP PART I



Episode 1: DATE 1


Written by Macca G


Illustrations by Jamie Sale


Narrator: It has been a while coming but Brown Bear has finally secured his first online date. In the time between him first trying and him actually securing a date many things have happened: Germany won the World Cup...twice, United did the treble and the Internet was born. During this time BB's enthusiasm for online dating and dating in general has gradually waned. For the past couple of years, he has been resigned to feeling that the closest thing he would ever get to a date was to take an already-taken girl out for a coffee and pretend that he was on a date without her actually knowing.


Before he heads out to meet his date, he feels down and dejected. But then he hears the voices of his fellow VIPs and immediately perks up. Even though their moronic suggestion of taking him to a strip club to get him laid in Washington still irritates him, the sound of their voices is enough to cheer him, and anyone for that matter, up. In this more positive frame of mind BB realises that the past four years in London have not been all doom and gloom.


While Steve was here he managed to go on a few dates with Steve's co-worker Adrienne. After that there was potential in Sadie, the hot-tempered Hispanic chick, and Jayne, the northern lass with whom he shared a Sambuca snog. If it weren't for the lack of booze in BB and the lack of fitness and personality in the girls, things could have gone further. Even before he came to London, BB managed to French kiss a boob jobbed fitty from the Human Resources department he used to work in. All in all, things haven't been as bad as BB thinks. With this new-found positivity in mind, BB strides on towards Maida Vale to get the tube to Waterloo.


While walking to the bar, BB contemplates the moves he can put on tonight.


EXT. WATERLOO. NIGHT.


BB (V.O.)

I wonder what moves I can put on tonight? I guess I have 3 options. I can either adopt Steve's play and get her hideously drunk, but given my terrible tolerance to light beers I'm not sure that's the best idea. I suppose I could be like Graham and insult her ‘til she fancies me, but without his good looks to back me up that’s a risky play. The other alternative is to be myself...this is a tricky one.


Narrator: BB gets to the bar and sees that she's not there so orders himself a drink and grabs a seat. He lets her know he’s arrived, and she says she is running late and will be there soon. BB takes out his phone and catches up on the sports news, most of which he knows already as he has been inside all day watching most of it.


Narrator: Eventually the date arrives, the two hug and sit down.


INT. CONCRETE BAR. NIGHT.


BB

Hey how are you?


DATE 1

I'm good thanks, sorry I'm a bit late but I was working today. How are you?


BB

Not bad thanks. Don't worry about it, I wasn't waiting long.


BB (V.O.)

Shit, just realised this girl has a similar name to my dad, does this make things weird? Hmmm I'm not sure, probably best not to mention it just in case.


BB

Why don't you grab a seat and I'll get you a drink. What would you like?


BB (V.O.)

Whatever you do, do.not.get.her.a.tea.


DATE 1

I'll have a G and T please.


BB (V.O.)

Well, at least it's only part T.


BB

Ok, no problem, I'll be right bla...errr...back, I'll be right back.


BB (V.O.)

Nice save, force of habit but nice save nonetheless. I guess I'm gonna go with the not-being-myself route.


Narrator: BB grabs the G and T, brings it over to the table and the two start chatting away. The conversation is pleasant, ranging from general chit-chat to discussing each other’s favourite films and books.

INT. CONCRETE BAR. NIGHT.


DATE 1

So, what are your favourite books then?


BB (V.O.)

Oh crap, if she’s asking me what my favourite books are does that mean this date has become so boring that it’s descended into artificially manufacturing conversation by asking each other what our favourite various things are?


BB

Errrr let me see...


BB (V.O.)

Errrr let me see if I can get away with counting FHM and Maxim as books.


BB

It's actually funny you ask as that was something someone asked on our family WhatsApp group the other day.


DATE 1

Oh cool, so what did you put then?


BB (V.O.)

I'm pretty sure I had The Godfather, The Silence Of The Lambs, something else and all the Harry Potter books just to make sure I got to 10.


BB

There were a few in there… I can’t remember them all, but definitely one of my favourite books is The Godfather.


DATE 1

Nice, why's that?


BB (V.O.)

Because it means I have a legitimate excuse to do my Godfather impersonation.


BB

Because it's a really well-written book and one I’d definitely describe as a page-turner.


BB (V.O.)

Surely all books are a page turner, unless of course you are reading them on a kindle, in which case I guess they’d be called a button pusher?


BB

How about you?


DATE 1

I liked The Godfather as well and have read a lot of classics like Pride And Prejudice...


BB (V.O.)

Given how much you enjoy your work, and with my racist tendencies, if we dated we could describe ourselves as that.


DATE 1

Little Women...


BB (V.O.)

Actually really enjoyed that.


DATE 1

And Crime and Punishment...


BB (V.O.)

In time, that may sum up this date.


DATE 1

But one of my all-time favourite books is One Hundred Years Of Solitude, which is so incredible and beautifully written that I picked it up and literally didn't put it down until I finished it. I don't think I ate for two days!


BB (V.O.)

That could be a potential weight loss program right there. Can't really see it faring well on the NHS though.


BB

I've had that feeling once before...


BB (V.O.)

It would be more times but I'm too lazy to read.


BB

With one book...


BB (V.O.)

Of course it's not going to be more than that.


BB

And the incredible thing about it is the fact that this book isn't written by a native English speaker but the way he writes is so beautiful and moving that it's hard to believe that English isn't his first language. But one of my absolute all-time favourite books, which I absolutely love...


BB (V.O.)

Ok she gets it, you like this book, now fucking tell her.


BB

Is Lolita. Have you read it?


DATE 1

Yes! That's my second favourite book after One Hundred Years Of Solitude, I absolutely love that book.


BB

That's amazing.


BB (V.O.)

Yes, that is amazing and if it wasn't for the fact that I am in no way attracted to you then this date would also be amazing.

Narrator: As the night progresses BB becomes slowly convinced that this girl might be attracted to him. This is just a gut feeling, and he is unsure as to whether this attraction is due to him or due to the three double G and T's she's had. Either way he's in a good mood and after the third drink the two decide to go their separate ways. On his way home and after three light beers, BB rings Graham to fill him in on the details of the night. There's not much in the way of excitement but at least it's a start. His friend is happy for him and at least now BB has something to build on for next time.

Episode 2: DATE 2


Written by Macca G


Illustrations by Jamie Sale

Narrator: Not long after his first ever online date, Brown Bear has secured another one. This time, though, not as much has happened in between his last date and this one. Of particular note is the fact that Chelsea have pretty much become champions and Leicester by some minor miracle have battled their way out of the relegation zone in the Premier League. Another miracle that plays on BB's mind remains to be seen: can he secure a second date with a girl?


The previous week’s first date went well and was pleasant enough. But the lack of banter and Godfather impressions, two things clearly very important to BB, left him with zero enthusiasm to try for a second date. Instead he decided to concentrate his efforts on securing a first date with a new girl who had better banter and seemed like more fun (based on the evidence of the textage).


Rather than trying his luck in a new date bar BB goes to the same place as last time in the hope that the impressively hidden location will lead to a good first impression.


BB arrives at the bar, grabs a diet coke and a seat whilst he waits for his date to arrive.


INT. CONCRETE BAR. NIGHT.


BB (V.O.)

Right, time for date one with girl choo. Let's hope for better things with this one.


Narrator: BB contemplates for a moment.


BB (V.O.)

Hmmmm this girl's name sounds a lot like my brother's name.


Narrator: BB suddenly comes to a realisation.


BB (V.O.)

And the last girl I went on a date with had a similar name to my dad's! Fuck, this better not be an omen...although Steve and Graham are like my brothers so if I end up going on a date with girls called Stefani or Grace then it won’t be so bad. Anyways enough of the negativity let's focus on the problem - I mean date - at hand. She should be arriving soon; I wonder where she is.


Narrator: BB's phone starts to ring.


BB

Hello?


DATE 2

Hey! Sorry I'm running a bit late, I think I'm lost!


BB (V.O.)

Guess that explains that then.


BB

Oh ok, where are you?


DATE 2

I'm at the Royal Festival Hall but I can't find this bar you're at.


BB

Oh, ok, can you see the bright yellow steps?


DATE 2

Where are they? What do they look like?


BB (V.O.)

Well they're big, bright and yellow and look like steps you fucking moron.


BB

Well they're bi...they're really bright and yellow to the side of the Royal Festival Hall.


DATE 2

Oh, I can't see them, are you sure they are there?


BB (V.O.)

Well unless they have demolished them in the last ten minutes I'm pretty sure they are there.


BB

Yes.


DATE 2

Let me have a look for them, I'll call you back in a minute.


BB

Ok.


BB (V.O.)

Not a great start. I could make any number of direction-based sexist comments right now, but I wont...but I suppose by making that statement I kind of have...ah well.


Narrator: BB's phone rings but this time his date has now found the yellow steps and BB tries in vain to direct her to the bar. After a few minutes he decides it's easier to go and find her. On the way, he realises he cocked up the directions. He should've directed her to go up the flight of steps to the next floor and then follow his directions. On his way to meeting her he prays to all his gods that she doesn't notice his mess-up.


EXT. ROYAL FESTIVAL HALL. NIGHT.


BB (V.O.)

Damn, hunny be fly yo, she's not too bad at all.


BB

Hey, how are you?


DATE 2

Yeah good thanks, how are you? Really sorry for the late arrival, got really lost.


BB

Oh yeah, don't worry about it, it can happen to anyone. Just follow me.

Narrator: The two climb the flight of steps and on the first floor head towards the bar.


DATE 2

Hold on, isn't this exactly what you told me not to do?


BB

Did I?


DATE 2

Yes, you did.


BB

I guess I did, yeah, er, sorry. How are you anyway?


DATE 2

So I was right? So it was you that messed up the directions then?


BB

Oh, yeah, I guess I did, woops, sorry.


DATE 2

Hmmmm, anyways I'm good thanks. Apart from your terrible directions I'm fine!


BB (V.O.)

Nice, she wasn't too much of a dick about the directions, that's pretty good of her. I think it's been at least ten years since that one time Steve served us pizza on a box and he still doesn't hear the end of it, so I gotta say fair play to her for letting this one go so quickly.


Narrator: The two finally head over to the bar, grab a couple of drinks and engage in some pleasant conversation. They chat about what they've been up to over the past couple of weeks. It turns out his date has been doing some interesting things like going to a friend's wedding in India as well as heading out to LA. This is in stark contrast to BB who has mainly been working – again - for no money - again.


They continue to chat for the next couple of hours. BB realises that even though the date is going well there isn't really an attraction or spark there for either party. BB is keen to see her again though, as given the level of her fitness and the fact she didn't overly shoot him down over the directions, she seems like the sort of person that would be worth persevering with.


Unfortunately, over the next week it becomes clear that she doesn't feel the same way. BB feels slightly disappointed, but isn’t too heartbroken as the connection wasn't the sort he would hope for. Not too disheartened and feeling good at the prospect of telling the VIP about another date, BB begins to feel more upbeat and contemplates his next move…


Episode 3: THE VIP PART I


Written by Graham Campbell


Illustrations by Jamie Sale

Narrator: It's 2003 and it's the first term at Newcastle University. It's a cold, clear night in December on the Tyne. The time is midnight.


After frequenting a number of bars and beautifully kept establishments such as Dobsons, a few students end up in the only place to go on a Monday night...The Boat.


Graham, some joker, has enjoyed a few bruskies. As per usual, he appears as sober as a nun, hiding his drunkenness well...he looks up and sees the moon and stars. He thinks to himself, something is on tonight. Though, as he looks round at the people he knows, he wonders who with...


Graham turns to his friends and initiates some chat.


INT. THE BOAT. NIGHT.


GRAHAM

Check it out, the moon and stars look really crisp through the windo...errr...porthole. So anyways, what's happening? Whose round is it? Great place this eh?


GRAHAM (V.O.)

Places like this will never go out of fashion...


JAMES

Not mine, I've paid for the last lot!


GRAHAM (V.O.)

Right James, right...


GRAHAM

Sure, Bud?


JAMES

Yep, no doubt.


GRAHAM

Ok, no probs, I'll get these in...


GRAHAM (V.O.)

Twat.


Narrator: Graham gets up steadily, and with no problem at all walks over to the bar, however he finds it takes unusually long to get there and wonders why he zigzagged over. He ponders that it must be the tilt of the boat...


On the way he sees someone he thinks he recognises...

JANINE

Hello, Graham...hammered are we?


Narrator: Graham looks up.


GRAHAM

Hey, um, hey um...


GRAHAM (V.O.)

Shite.


JANINE

Good night?


GRAHAM

Sure, you know how it is. I'm not drunk though, um, Janine...


GRAHAM (V.O.)

Remember the last time you were on this side of the river with Janine and hammered Graham, play it cool...then leave...


GRAHAM

Shit, Janine is that someone waving at you over there?


JANINE

Where?


GRAHAM

Way over there, in that dark corner all the way on the other side of The Boat.


Narrator: Graham points to the opposite corner of The Boat, to some brown dude he thinks he knows. Graham ponders who it might be.


GRAHAM (V.O.)

Is that the guy from my course who I met on the first day? I swear I've seen him having tea in the café every day last week, each time with a different course girl...bastard...bet he's getting laid all the time...anyway, should get his name some day...


Narrator: As Janine is trying to find a brown dude in a dark corner, Graham scuttles off.


GRAHAM (V.O.)

Subtle...well played...


Narrator: On his way to the toilet Graham bumps into someone...


GRAHAM

My bad...


MARYANNE

Hello, um...


Narrator: Coldplay's 'Sparks' suddenly starts playing in Graham's head.


GRAHAM

Oh, hello Maryanne...


GRAHAM (V.O.)

Bugger...Janine's less attractive friend, does she know my name? Harsh. She does seem oddly attractive though, there is something about her that intrigues me that makes me want to get to know her better...

Narrator: Maryanne moves closer to Graham and wraps her arm around his waist. This amount of contact is making Graham feel uncomfortable.


GRAHAM (V.O.)

What is she doing?? This level of contact is making me feel really uncomfortable right now. I wonder where this is going?


MARYANNE

Hey, sorry about this, I just really wanted to put my arm around you...


GRHAM (V.O.)

Oh god.


MARYANNE

And I'm really drunk...


GRAHAM (V.O.)

Oh god!


MARYANNE

And just thought...


GRAHAM (V.O.)

First mistake.


MARYANNE

That it would be really nice...


Narrator: Coldplay's 'Don't Panic' suddenly starts playing in Graham's head.


MARYANNE

…to use you to prop myself up. Hope that's ok?


Narrator: Graham, relieved yet slightly disappointed, ignores Maryanne's question.


GRAHAM

Where's, um, Janine?


GRAHAM (V.O.)

Hopefully still trying to find the brown guy in a dark corner.


MARYANNE

With Michael, over there.


GRAHAM (V.O.)

Michael, that nob, that'll never last...isn't he from Hampshire?


GRAHAM

Oh. I know you through Toby and that lot, don't I?


MARYANNE

Yeah, you came to my birthday party, ate my cake, didn't say hello and left.


GRAHAM

Really...that doesn't sound like me.


GRAHAM (V.O.)

That sounds exactly like me. Good cake though.


MARYANNE

Toby, Janine, Becky and Michelle and a few others are over there.


GRAHAM

Oh.


GRAHAM (V.O.)

Couldn't give a shit...I literally will have no contact with them in a few years. Wonder where Mark is tonight? Probably playing Champ Man, Norwich again. Probably worth the effort with him though...seems like the sort of person who will make the effort as well...


MARYANNE

Where's Maggie?


GRAHAM (V.O.)

Um...oh the Nigerian...


GRAHAM

Saw her talking to that small white dude Steve again...


Narrator: Silence encases the both of them.


GRAHAM

He's shit at Golden Eye though...


GRAHAM (V.O.)

Graham 1 Steve 0


Narrator: Maryanne's lack of interest in computer games causes a now awkward silence to envelope both of them.


GRAHAM

So, you still pinning insects to boards?


GRAHAM (V.O.)

Way to go...


MARYANNE

Right, yeah I am...for my course you know...


GRAHAM (V.O.)

Sadism?


MARYANNE

Environmental science.


GRAHAM

Alright swampy...


MARYANNE

Oi, don't be so mean.


GRAHAM

Sorry.


GRAHAM (V.O.)

Nice one man, a semi-attractive drunk chick is using you to prop herself up and in the space of one sarcastic comment you've managed to cock things up. Standard.


Narrator: This time the silence between the two lingers on before Maryanne decides to break the awkwardness.


MARYANNE

Fancy a drink?


Narrator: Coldplay's 'Everything's Not Lost' suddenly starts playing in Graham's head.


GRAHAM (V.O.)

It can only help...does she still not know my name?


Narrator: Graham and Maryanne go to the bar. After a few drinks Graham starts to zone out as Maryanne continues to talk about the perils of global warming...


GRAHAM (V.O.)

Hmmm, was never like this in Canada...


MARYANNE

Fancy a dance then?


GRAHAM

Oh, um, right, you know for white guys...this is dancing...


GRAHAM (V.O.)

Good joke


MARYANNE

Um, right...


GRAHAM (V.O.)

...or not.


MARYANNE

There's a dance floor over there...


GRAHAM

Great, let's go...


GRAHAM (V.O.)

Shit, right, just go over there and pretend like you're taking the piss out of your own dancing.


Narrator: Graham is beginning to hit the wall, he doesn't understand it but the lights seem dimmer and the music seems louder.


GRAHAM (V.O.)

May as well have a crack...not like I'll have to speak to her again.


Narrator: Graham starts to move his arms...and legs...


GRAHAM (V.O.)

You got this dancing shit...look...people are taking notes off you.


Narrator: Graham starts to move forward and go for the kill, but then starts to lose his balance.


MARYANNE

You know this floor moves?


GRAHAM

Don't be ridiculous.


Narrator: As the dance floor rotates Graham falls over. Maryanne helps him up, and as she is doing so Graham notices there's something in the air. It is the hot, sweaty, beer and vomit fueled aroma that makes Graham think the time is now and so Graham leans in...


GRAHAM (V.O.)

You are nailing this man. No doubt she'll be talking about this for ages, maybe I can round some bases later.

Narrator: As Graham moves in for the kill it is Maryanne's turn to feel uncomfortable and she pulls out of the kiss in a flustered stupor.


MARYANNE

Right, well, um, think I see some friends over there, yep, best go...


GRAHAM

No worries, see you when this place shuts...I'll ride you home, sorry I mean I'll ride home with you...


MARYANNE

Yeah, um, ok...whatever.


GRAHAM (V.O.)

She seems keen...


Narrator: Reading the sign, Graham proceeds to exit...alone...







About the author





Macca G (V.O.)

Perfect. Just perfect. After writing this book series, now I have to write some awkward and cringe worthy words describing my life up ‘til now. I mean how on earth do I sum up my time from doing an undergraduate degree at Newcastle University to doing a PhD at Queen Mary University of London to working as a Medical Writer in Cheadle. In between all of that I would have to describe the few years of random job wilderness as well as the initial creation of The Adventures way back in 2004, when me and Steve started writing about our nights out in Newcastle. Not really sure how to sum all that up whilst keeping it interesting and teasing the audience, but I’m sure I can think of something…


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