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Excerpt for Diary of the Shattered Soul, #1 by , available in its entirety at Smashwords

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Diary of the Shattered Soul



Lainey Miller




















Also by LAINEY MILLER


Novels

Daemortis

Daemortis: Purgatory



Short Stories

The Dumb Ones

Sellaphine and Lorelei

The Littlest Hero































Entry 1

August 16, 2011















My name is Tess, but you probably know me as Ebony Winters…at least if you watch porn. I’m twenty-three, very thin, and some would say beautiful. I have medium-ebony skin with dark eyes, long wavy black hair, and I’m well known as the girl-next-door type; I play schoolgirls and babysitters very well. Despite what you may see on the outside, it’s not reflected on the inside. Deep inside, I feel nothing; I’m numb, dead, and just devoid of all life and emotions whatsoever. I’ve contemplated suicide many times, but somehow always talk myself out of it. This world has nothing left to offer me, and I often fantasize about oblivion.

I’ve been in the porn industry for five years now; I used to be a bright and cheery girl, and had dreams and goals for my life. I wanted to great things, not only for me, but for the world…now I spread my legs for a living. Despite what people may think, it’s not fabulous or something to brag about. This industry is cold, and full of people like me—dead on the inside and heavily dependent on drugs to numb it.

The sad reality of porn is, it’s actual work. Sometimes, it’s downright torture and abuse. Have you ever seen a scene where the male performer is very rough with the female performer? Probably not because you’re too focused on beating off to her, but if you do, you probably think she enjoys it based on her faux face of pleasure. Sometimes that female performer isn’t enjoying it, and is in fact in a lot of pain; sometimes you’re in too much pain to continue a scene, or worst case scenario, you end up in the hospital.

Over the years, porn has numbed me as a person entirely. I was only eighteen when I was first recruited. I was starting college, afraid to be on my own for the first time, and like a predator, they found me and lured me in. That’s what they do—scout college campuses, preying on vulnerable girls like leeches, with promises of riches and fame. Sometimes the siren call is too much to resist.

At first I actually enjoyed it; the money was amazing and I felt like I was moving up in the world. After a while though, it just all became a blur. With my rising popularity, I started getting recognized in the streets, and that led to stalkers. They didn’t see a difference though. They assumed that since I was in porn, I was always horny and liked it rough. People don’t realize that porn stars are normal people outside of their job, like anyone else.

At some point I was making more money than I knew what to do with, but like a light switch, something switched off inside me. I realized I was no longer enjoying sex, for it all became bland and boring; I was just a toy for the industry to use and that’s how I started seeing myself. I learned quickly that I didn’t truly matter, or had a say in much… I was just there to be used and paid. Along the way I came to lose a sense of myself, and I only declined further.

These were my thoughts as I stared at myself through the mirror, having my hair and makeup done; I just stared into my cold, empty eyes thinking to myself. It’s like the lights were on but no one was home. I could tell you my name, my age, and where I lived…but anything else was just a shameful reminder of what I’ve let myself become. I wanted to cry but I just couldn’t. Not anymore.

The makeup artist doing my hair watched me closely as she made me perfect for filming. “You okay, hon?”

The makeup artist was in fact my best friend, Stevie, and she was the best hair and makeup porn could buy. She was a rather handsome, androgynous woman, with the sides of her platinum-blonde hair being shaved, and the most beautiful hazel eyes I’ve ever seen on a woman. She had piercings on her eyebrows, her septum, and her ears, as well as beautifully designed tattoo sleeves on her arms. She was pansexual, (not by porn standards), so she legitimately enjoyed intimacy with men, women, and Trans folk alike. She was the only friend I had in this industry, as well as my life. I would be nothing without her.

I looked at her through the mirror and said, “I’m fine.”

“You seem a little out of it, babe.”

I stared at my reflection, and with the same monotone voice I replied, “Always am.”

“It’ll be over before you know it, and before long we’ll be at the wrap-up party getting drunk off our asses.”

“After the first 500 shoots it’s hard to feel excited for anything, least of all parties.”

Stevie grinned and put on her finishing touches. “There. God you’re fucking gorgeous.”

I just sat there in silence, staring at myself. What was the point of makeup if it was going to be ruined?

“I hope he’s nice,” I said randomly. I hoped he wasn’t too rough.

Stevie gave me a look as she put away her makeup palettes. It was the same look she always gives me. An empathetic look like she understood my pain but couldn’t relate. She took pity upon me, and I got the feeling she was only my friend because of that. She was like the older sister I never had.

“Wanna do some before you go?”

I turned in my seat and nodded. She dug into her pocket and pulled out a small baggy of little transparent crystals. I didn’t hesitate to crush them up into powder and snort it up my nose. For a split second I felt like heaven again. The high wouldn’t last long though, and I’d inevitably go back to feeling like a piece of shit again.

“Ebony! You’re on!” called the director, a sleazy, fat, ugly man who could literally get any woman he wants. He had connections, and all wannabe porn stars went out of their ways to make him happy so they could climb higher in the industry. He repulsed me.

“Break a leg!” smiled Stevie.

“You’re gonna be right here when I’m done right?”

“I’m not going anywhere. We can grab lunch after.”

I nodded with a faint smile, already high out of my mind.

I walked on set, which was basically the director’s living room. He lived in a big, beautiful mansion in Malibu, with a very large window overlooking the ocean. At least it wasn’t a cheap motel, or someplace public.

“Looking hot as always,” smirked the director.

I didn’t even glance at him. I took a seat on his lovely white leather couch, dressed in a tiny crop-top, a mini skirt, and insanely high stilettos I could hardly walk in. You’d be surprised how many men think I actually dress like this—like I go shopping or pump my gas in this attire. You’d be surprised how many people in general think I’m some nymphomaniac who’s constantly thinking of sex and would just die if I didn’t get laid.

“Robbie Love! Where are you?” yelled the director.

“I’m here.”

Like usual, a tall, fit guy walked on set, looking just as cocky as all the others usually do. This guy was nothing special; just your typical jock frat who can get whatever girl he wants and brags about it. It seemed most guys in porn were like that—probably because most guys fantasize about having a job where they fuck gorgeous girls for a living. For me it was just a job, a job where I slept with my coworkers and my directors were like managers.

My partner, Robbie, took a seat on the couch beside me and nodded with a wink. “Sup.”

I stared at him with disgust. He was loudly chewing his gum like he owned the place. He didn’t seem all that nervous either, which meant he had some experience in porn before. Most newcomers are usually very nervous. I was my first time too.

“Alright! Once I start rolling, I want you to introduce yourselves, tell us what you like sexually, yadda, yadda, yadda. Act like you wanna bang each other’s brains out. Let’s film us a hot scene!” instructed the director.

“Let’s do it!” said Robbie ecstatically.

I sighed and looked out the window at the ocean. I let the waves hypnotize me and carry me off in my own world, and just like that my mind was elsewhere. I began thinking about my childhood, when I often dreamed of visiting the ocean and burying my toes in the sand. I never imagined I would actually get to go, and now here I was, but it wasn’t for the reason I imagined.

“Ebony!” snapped the director.

I jumped and looked at the director, startled. He looked annoyed; he was not a patient man. Stevie was the only one looking empathetic and sorry for me, as always. She gave the director a sour look for talking to me like that. Robbie just eyed me lustfully.

“Sorry!” I quickly said.

“We’re not paying you to daydream, slut! Let’s do another take! …And, action!”

I looked at Robbie and smiled, biting my lower lip like a lust-stricken schoolgirl. I placed my hand on his knees and rubbed his leg, showing the camera just how badly I wanted to “fuck” him.

“I’m Robbie Love…”

“And I’m Ebony Winters.”

“I really love doggy. Love to get nice and deep,” said Robbie arrogantly, as the camera zoomed up to his face. He nodded with a wink like he was a stud. The camera then turned to me.

I giggled and acted like I was nervous and excited just being in his presence. “Oh my God I love doggy!”

“Yeah, baby?”

“Oh my God, so much! I love every position! I just love sex.” I fake giggled.

Robbie smugly raised a brow and smiled, then started rubbing my leg. I swallowed the lump in my throat, trying to stay in character for the camera. Everyone in porn knows that if you don’t take it seriously, you could be blacklisted and have your career ruined indefinitely. It’s like Hollywood, and being this was my main source of income, I couldn’t afford to be fired from the easiest job I’ve ever had.

Next thing I know, his hand was on the back of my head bringing me closer, forcing me to press my lips to his. I glanced at the camera, as girls often do to look sexy, and pretended to be enjoying his terrible kissing. He was fake moaning like he was already getting off.

The director’s jaw dropped with lust as he watched us perform, having to readjust the tent he was pitching in his pants often.

I caught a glimpse of Stevie rolling her eyes at the director, and looking at me with a smile and her thumbs up. She could always tell when I was and when I wasn’t enjoying a partner, and this one I definitely wasn’t. This one especially I found boring.

The director signaled with his hands to hurry up and get to the sex, so playing it off as a cock-hungry whore, I got right into it with him. Thankfully the scene didn’t last long; before I knew it he was already getting off, and I was free to enjoy the rest of my day with Stevie. The sex was subpar, and that’s being nice. Robbie was terrible, and didn’t know a thing about pleasing a woman, but then again most men in porn didn’t. Porn was just something to feed the male ego, and women were the tools to feed it.

“Hey thanks,” chuckled Robbie, as if we had a casual exchange in the streets or something. He walked off set with a towel, heading to go clean himself off.

“Great job, Robbie! You gave it to her good!” exclaimed the director.

If I could have chuckle I would have, but at this point there was nothing funny about it. It was typical, and very annoying. I gathered my skimpy clothes and walked off set toward Stevie, a little sore from how rough he was.

“Great job, Ebony! Always look more beautiful with cum on ya!”

I scowled at Stevie, who was shaking her head with disgust. “Don’t listen to him. You’re always beautiful.”

“It’s not that. It’s just the same old thing every time. Nothing new. Nothing exciting. I think I might be growing out of porn. I need to retire.”

“Retire porn at twenty-three?” chuckled Stevie. “Come on, even you have to admit that’s ridiculous.”

“I’ve got lots of money.”

“Yeah but retiring now, that money wouldn’t last. You’d have to get a normal job.”

I sighed. “At this point, I could live with that.”

I gathered my things and took a quick shower to clean myself off. Once I was out, I got dressed in my normal street clothes and met up with Stevie outside the mansion. It was a hot, beautiful day in Malibu, but I failed to appreciate it. I just didn’t have it in me anymore to appreciate nature’s beauty.

Since Stevie gave me a ride to the shoot, she drove me back to L.A., and paid for lunch as well. Then again, we are roommates living in a two-story apartment. We stopped at a nice little outdoor restaurant just a few blocks where we lived. It was actually lovely and let me recoup from my shoot.

“…I don’t know, Stevie. I just don’t have it in me anymore. Lately I’ve been taking a hard look at my life, and I realize I’ve gotten nowhere and done nothing.”

“You’re doing porn. You’re one of the top porn stars in the world actually. That’s everyone’s fantasy,” smirked Stevie.

“It’s not funny, Stevie. I’m serious. I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this.”

“Well what do you think is missing in your life? What is making you feel so empty?”

I paused to think about it. “It’s a handful of things… On top of having the shittiest childhood ever, I’ve never had a stable, working relationship; I have a bad relationship with my parents, I’m a fucking druggie, and I have sex for a living. My whole life is just a messed up shitshow and I have no one to blame but myself.”

Stevie studied me closely. “We’ve all had shitty lives in one way or another, Tess. That’s why you have to let go of the past and live in the now. Make your current life pleasant to make up for the past. It’s never too late.”

I looked at her as I stuffed my face with salad. What she said had truth to it. Then again, it was easier said than done to let go of my past. There were too many endings without closure in my life for me to move on.

“I suppose…I just wish I knew what to do to make myself feel whole again. I’m tired of being this empty shell…”

Just then my elbow accidentally bumped my phone and knocked it off the table. Stevie and I both heard the crack, which in turn annoyed me.

“Oh you’ve got to be kidding me!”

I bent down to pick it up when a hand suddenly reached out and grabbed my phone. I looked up to see who the hand belonged to, and right before my eyes was a very charming-looking man.

“I believe you dropped this,” he said with concern over my cracked screen.

I don’t know what came over me—I was absolutely speechless. This guy was taller than me, with the most gorgeous, light-gray eyes I ever saw. He had medium-ebony skin like myself, with a round bald head, and he was active with a runner’s body. His square jawline was so sharp it could cut diamond. I didn’t know what came over me, as I hadn’t felt this way in a really long time.

“Oh, uh…um…”

He smiled. “How are you doing today?”

Once again, speechless. Stevie had to interfere, for I wasn’t doing a great job handling myself. She saw that I was powerless to him.

“We’re doing good, thanks. She has a bad habit of doing that—hey what’s your name, handsome?”

He smiled and looked at the ground blushing. “I’m Jonas.” He looked up directly at me. “And you?”

“Te-Tess.”

“Nice to meet you, Tess.” He looked over at Stevie, who introduced herself.

He handed me my phone as he stood, and I sat up straight in my chair. He looked down at Stevie and I with his cute smile. It dawned on me he was actually working there, for I noticed the navy apron around his waist when he stood.

“You ladies enjoying everything?” he asked.

“We are. This place is outstanding!” said Stevie. “First time here!”

She had to do all the small talk, for I was completely transfixed to him. This guy, of all the guys I’ve worked with and knew, he managed to make me utterly speechless.

“Thanks! I actually bought this place not too long ago and renovated it. It’s thriving with business now.”

“This is your business?” I asked surprised.

“Yeah. I actually own several businesses, but this one is my baby.”

I glanced at Stevie, who with excited eyes urged me to keep talking to him. I looked back up at Jonas. At a loss for words though, I came up with the first thing that came to mind.

“Tha-thanks for my phone. I really appreciate it.”

“No problem. You ladies have a great day.”

He walked off into the restaurant. I turned to Stevie, feeling a sharp, stabbing feeling in the pit of my gut. I knew what disappointment felt like, but this was something else. This was gut wrenching. Stevie, on the other hand, looked at me like I was insane.

“What was that?”

“I panicked! I didn’t know what to say!”

She smiled at me. “You like him don’t you.”

“Of course not. He’s cute, sure…but I don’t like anyone.”

“Well you do him.” She looked into the restaurant to see if she could find him. “He’s cute though isn’t he.”

“Sorta.”

“Why don’t you go talk to him? He totally likes you.”

I blushed so incredibly hard I felt I might need ice packs for my cheeks. Stevie could visibility see it and smiled even wider. Now she was going to have something to poke fun at me for.

“I can’t! He’s busy…”

Stevie rolled her eyes and resumed eating her salad. “Boo, you suck.”

Truth was, I actually did want to keep talking to him. I looked into the restaurant and spotted him waiting on a table; whatever the conversation was, it was pleasant and his charming smile lit up his face. He was absolutely beautiful, and I couldn’t believe I was falling so hard for someone I didn’t even know.

That’s when it struck me, I was feeling a little more human again. I was taken back to elementary school, when I would feel nervous and shy around the boys I had crushes on. Perhaps Jonas was the sign I’ve been looking for. Maybe it’s time I found someone who saw value in me, and treated me like I mattered. I didn’t want to feel alone anymore, so maybe a boyfriend was just the thing I needed to feel lively again.


Tess











About the Author



Lainey Miller is an American author of several published works, and has more along the way. Though she prefers writing horror and fantasy, she occasionally dables in other genres, such as science fiction, drama, and others. She currently lives in Montana with her boyfriend, and their pet snake, Lucifer.




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