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Diary of the Shattered Soul

Lainey Miller




Daemortis: Purgatory

Short Stories

The Dumb Ones

Sellaphine and Lorelei

The Littlest Hero

Serialized Short Stories

Diary of the Shattered Soul

Entry 2

August 19, 2011

It was the night of the wrap-up party, as earlier today the last scene was shot for the new film I was starring in. Pretty soon, Bang Booty Whores 5 will hit the shelves and be available to all the porn addicts of the world. That title though, am I right? I was wearing a beautiful dress that hugged my body tight, and Stevie already did my hair and makeup for me. I stared at my dress in my full-body mirror, but I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. My thoughts then shifted to Jonas, and what he would think of me in this dress.

As I turned around, Stevie approached me in her woman’s-cut tux. She looked very sexy, I’ll have to admit. If there was any woman who could make masculinity look sexy, it was definitely her.

“Ooooh, look at you, giiiirl,” she teased.

I faintly smiled. “Well, at least the dress is pretty. Have to admit that.”

“How do I look?” she asked as she straightened her collar and turned in place with a raised brow, modeling her tux.

“Charming, as always.”

“Yeeeeeah,” she said feeling macho sexy. She pulled out her phone and looked at the time. “Limo should just about be here. You ready?”

“As I’ll ever be,” I replied dully.

“Let us go, m’lady.”

Like the gentleman she was, Stevie escorted me out the door, and downstairs to the limo outside. Our limo had just pulled up as we got outside, and we were off before we knew it; Stevie was jittery with excitement as she poured us some champagne. I wasn’t all too excited, I thought of it as a chore. I only had one thing on my mind, can you guess? …I wondered if I would ever cross Jonas’s path again.

We were driven all the way to Malibu, to the director’s house, where he was throwing an extravagant party. The music was loud, people were in fancy attire, (and sleazy attire), and it looked like a really happening time. A Malibu party seems like a lot of fun to most people, but I’ve been to plenty. Porn parties have lost their charm. I just wanted to stay home and watch TV with takeout, but, being that I was starring in Bang Booty Whores 5, I had to make an appearance.

The limo drove up the hill and parked outside the entrance of the director’s mansion. All the partygoers hanging outside paused with bated breaths, wondering who just pulled up. Inside, Stevie was biting her lip with anticipation. I finished my…third glass of champagne…? Either way, I was preparing to put a smile on my face.

“You ready?”

“I’m good and buzzed. Let’s do this.”

She gave me her famous sympathetic look. “Oh come on, now. We’re gonna have fun! I’m your date, not that stupid fuck, Bryce. I promise I won’t be grabby.”

I fake smiled. “I suppose.”

“Tell you what—if it triggers your anxiety too much, we can do a line somewhere less crowded. Can you at least try to enjoy yourself first?”

“Sure. I can do that.” I fake smiled. “Let’s have some fun.”

Stevie smiled. “That’s my girl! Let’s make this party fucking rock!”

She opened the limo door and stepped outside, then offered her hand to escort me out of the limo. The partygoers cheered as I stepped out. The director pushed through the crowd of applauds and was quickly waddling over.

“Ebony Winters, everyone!” he shouted. The partygoers applauded louder. He came up to me and took my hand, kissing it with his greasy lips. He looked up with a sleazy smile. “Look. At. You. Beautiful as always—though not as beautiful without cum on your face!”

“That’s enough, Joel,” said Stevie with a dull toned voice.

“No disrespect, love. Hey…enjoy the party, have some alcohol, suck some dick—whatever! Go wild! Enjoy!”

He turned and waddled back into the party, cackling like a creep. I had a look of disgust upon my face as Stevie grabbed my arm.

“Once again, just ignore him. He’s a big creep.”

“Ugh! I can’t stand him!”

“I know, nobody can, but he can end your career in seconds so it’s best to stay on his good side,” she said as she escorted me inside the mansion.

* * *

An hour into the party went by, and I was more than ready to leave. It was the same old party I’m used to; people laughing loudly, getting drunk and doing drugs, naked women serving drinks and appetizers, and people hooking up, practically screwing in front of everyone. I was tired and hungry, and all I wanted was to go home and get some takeout. (Pathetic, right)?

I was leaning against a wall in the very same living room I did my shoot, plainly looking around when Stevie came up laughing loudly. She was obnoxiously drunk off her ass, and had a cute young girl around her shoulder laughing with her.

“Ebony! Meet Felicia Doll! She did a scene for the same movie you did! Ain’t she fucking gorgeous?”

The young girl rolled her eyes with a smile.

“Hello, Felicia,” I said with a faint smile. I then looked at Stevie. “You think everyone is ‘fucking gorgeous’ though.”

“No…No, Ebony…Felicia blows them out of the fucking water! Hope you don’t mind but I’m bringing her home tonight. Is-is that okay?”

I shrugged. “I don’t care. You have your own room. Do whatever.”

“Sweeeet!” she replied, turning to Felicia, who giggled loudly. Before my eyes they began to make out, and very obnoxiously I might add. I looked away.

As you can tell, porn parties can be a bit wild—they’re glamorized sex parties basically. Not always though. Joel, however, liked them big and wild. In the past he had celebrities make appearances. Anyone who’s famous seems to love sex and have drug problems, so they flock to Joel’s famous parties to let off some steam.

Speaking of Joel, he managed to climb on top of his nice white leather couch, and ding a fork against his champagne glass. The dinging was loud and caught everyone’s attention, and everyone at the party went quiet. Even people halfway through screwing gave him their attention. Joel is a very powerful, and a much respected figure in porn; like I said in my previous entry, he has connections everywhere.

“Studs and sluts… Welcome!”

Everyone laughed. I shook my head with disgust. Porn was sexist towards men and women alike, but Joel truly did not respect women. He was a pig.

“I would like to thank everyone attending this party tonight. As you all know, we’ve finished shooting BBW5, and have wrapped up production. I couldn’t be more pleased with the outcome! I’d like to give my special thanks to all those who helped bring this masterpiece to life! Starting with the lovely ladies, I’d like to thank Jez Bella…”

A black-haired girl with giant, fake breasts stepped forward and waved with a smile. The audience applauded her, and some men from the crowd shouted her name. Jez was well known, but she mainly performed for websites and cam shows. This was her first film.

“Yes…beautiful,” said Joel. “Anfisa Petrov…”

Across from me, an unnatural beauty stepped forward. Anfisa was by far the most gorgeous woman I had ever seen, and in all of porn. She is one of the top five porn stars in America, alongside myself. She was Russian, with a gorgeous accent to match her face. She was highly looked upon with respect, like Joel, and was every aspiring porn star’s inspiration.

She had elegant light-olive skin with a round face, big plump lips, and the most lavish honey-brown eyes. She was famous for her broody look, which bewitched men wherever she went. Her long reddish-brown hair was soft, shiny, and silky. She always dressed so elegant and fancy, like she were a duchess. There wasn’t a particular thing Anfisa was famous for, she did a little bit of everything; this girl could take on a room full of men and barely break a sweat.

“…Ebony Winters…”

The partygoers turned to me applauding. I faked a smile and waved like the awkward child I was. I’ve done this a million times, but now it just felt foreign. It lost its charm long ago and now it was just a hassle.

“…Felicia Doll…”

The girl beside me in Stevie’s arms stepped forward and waved with a smile. She too was applauded. Joel named several other names, as more girls stepped forward and were applauded. Next it was the guys’ turn.

“And last but not least, my male performers…”

He named Jon Buck, Adam Roland, Markus Burn, and even Robbie Love. (Yuck). Like usual there weren’t as many male performers as females. Nobody in straight porn cared for the male performers; like the females, they were just instruments for porn to use.

“…And with this last toast, I’d like to thank the crew who worked behind the scenes. Thanks to everyone for being a part of this wonderful production. Carry on with the party!”

The partygoers clapped and cheered long and hard, then resumed the party right where they left off. I turned to Stevie, who was kissing up on Felicia.

“All right… I showed up, got dedicated, and now I’m ready to go home.”

“Sure you don’t wanna do a line? I’m having fun!”

Felicia and I gave her the same look. We both clearly wanted some, so Stevie began to lead us away somewhere more private. That’s when out of the corner of my eyes, I saw someone approaching me. I turned to see none other than Anfisa Petrov herself, who had a graceful smile upon her face. She looked at me like she genuinely wanted to meet, and I have to admit, I felt a little starstruck myself. I had wanted to meet her for the longest time—after all, we were the top five porn stars in America.

“So…this is Ebony Winters,” she said. Her voice was low, kind of husky, and the accent only made her words seem like butter to my ears.

“H-hi,” I said awkwardly. “Ye-yes…I am. Wow, I can’t believe I’m finally meeting the Anfisa Petrov!”

She blinked with a shrug, her smile just as graceful. I’m assuming that was her way of saying, ‘I know.’

“So, this is the girl I’ve been competing with…”

I titled my head confused. Her tone seemed kind and even playful, but I didn’t get the sense she was. Her smile was deceitful. She was phony.

“Um…competing…? I-I’m not trying to compete with anyone. Let alone you. I actually really like and respect your work—”

“But you are my competition,” she replied firmly. “Therefore, we are rivals.”

“Rivals?” I glanced at Stevie and Felicia. Felicia was looking at her with the same kind of shock I had on my face. Stevie seemed to be glaring at her. Being the best makeup and hair artist in the industry, I’m sure she’s worked with every performer porn has to offer. She knows who is who. I assumed she worked with Anfisa before, and didn’t really like her very much.

“N-no…no…I don’t mean disrespect…? I-I would ne-never try and compete with someone of your status…”

Anfisa rolled her eyes with her phony smile. “Please.”

“I’m serious!”

She suddenly lost the smile and sneered at me. “I am rising to the top. I will be number one in this business and you will not get in my way.”

I felt like I had been back-handed across the face. I also felt like I had been backed into a corner. Where was this coming from? She turned aggressive in the blink of an eye.

“It’s not a race?” I said shyly like a little girl.

“Back off, Anfisa, there’s more than enough room for everyone in this industry,” said Stevie dangerously, stepping forward. When it comes to me, Stevie was very protective. Like I said, she is the older sister I never had.

Now Anfisa was sneering at her. “You are just a make-up artist. Stick to your job and leave porn to the professionals, sir.”

At this point I got a little ticked off. I’m normally not one for confrontations, let alone stick up for myself, but the way should was treating Stevie did not sit well with me.

“Okay, look, I don’t know what the hell your problem is, but—”

“My problem is I am better than you and soon you and everyone in this industry will know that. Ebony Winters will be no more. Anfisa Petrov will be most famous girl in porn.”

“Oh, what, can’t handle a little competition? Always got to be at the top?”

Anfisa stepped forward, no trace of humor in her eyes. “I am always number one. I’ll be damned to hell if I let some slut outrank me.”

I looked her dead in the eyes. “News flash—we’re both in porn. Knock it off with slurs!”

Anfisa glared at me. “I will do whatever it takes to reach the top.”

“I’ve been in this business a long time. Don’t try and push me around like you own the place,” I warned.

“I will have no competition. Watch your back, Ebony. I will destroy everything you love. Especially you.”

Stevie, Felicia, and I glared at her. In all my life I never had an interaction like that before. She had real nerve. Anfisa Petrov was a real sore loser—she reminded me of those kids in gym class who take it way too seriously, and if they lose a game they take it extremely hard. It was sad and pathetic, and just thinking about it now still boils my blood.

A man appeared behind her; he was tall, ridiculously muscular, and his fake tan was so bad he looked like a burnt orange. He held two glasses of champagne and handed Anfisa one. I recognized him, he was Zeb Spartan—an Italian-American porn star famous for the size of his genitalia. I’ve never worked him myself, but I knew girls who did. He wasn’t a very nice guy; aside from being the arrogant tool he was, he was abusive to his female costars, and treated them like absolute shit.

Zeb was 6’4”, with dark, nearly black eyes, and short, spiked black hair. The moment he approached us, he gave Stevie and I a hostile look as he handed Anfisa the other glass. That’s when I spotted his wedding ring—hers too. I forgot they were the hottest couple in porn.

“Why you talkin’ to these cunts?” he asked. He had a thick Boston accent.

Stevie, Felicia, and I looked at him like we were all about to attack him.

Without taking her icy gaze off of me, Anfisa said, “I was just telling Ebony her career is over.”

Zeb looked at me. I got a sense of hostility and aggression just looking at him. He was too jacked up on steroids and testosterone to know which way was up anymore. I got the feeling he thought of me and Stevie as below him.

Stevie stepped forward again and said, “You know what, Anfisa? Ebony blows you out of the fucking water! She is the number one ranked name on Pornhut! You only come second!”

“Fuck you, you cross-dressing freak!” said Zeb, nodding his head like he were challenging her to a fight.

“Hey!” I said angrily.

Stevie ignored his comment and looked directly into Anfisa’s eyes. “Aren’t you like…forty?”

Both Zeb and Anfisa scowled. In porn, younger is better. It’s more desirable, highly preferred, and sought after. Anything over twenty-nine is considered “old.” Unless you specialize in the mom/dad category, older performers aren’t considered valuable. So all in all, that’s a great insult in porn.

“Laugh all you want, but I will have her position.” She turned to me. “Enjoy it while you can, bitch!”

She turned and walked away, as Zeb made a face like he was blistering angry. “Watch yourselves.”

“Is that a threat?” asked Stevie dangerously, on the verge of throwing fists with him.

The stuck-up couple turned and disappeared into the crowd of partygoers. Stevie and I watched them with icy glares of our own; my heart was pumping ferociously and my mind was racing with thoughts, and I couldn’t believe what just happened. I haven’t been in a confrontation in a long time, let alone stuck-up for myself, but tonight was something else. I apparently have a new rival.

I turned to Stevie and said, “Can we go now?”

“Yes,” she replied instantly, still staring at the crowd Zeb and Anfisa disappeared into. She looked at me and said, “This party just got dull anyway.”

I requested a cab to pick us up and take us home. I happily paid too, as Stevie and Felicia were all over each other, devouring each other’s faces. I awkwardly sat there the entire ride home, listening to them smacking lips and getting heated. It seemed like eternity before we actually got there.

Once home, Stevie took Felicia to her bedroom and proceeded to have some of the loudest sex I ever heard. Like literally, I could hear them over my TV on full volume. I was still feeling jittery from earlier, and I couldn’t relax. I was still hungry, and remembered how good takeout sounded. The night was still young, and I needed some fresh air anyway, so I decided to walk there.

I walked several blocks on foot to my favorite Chinese restaurant. The line wasn’t too terribly long, so I patiently waited my turn. I got my food ordered and was about to pay for it when, to my left, I heard some guy exclaim something with excitement.

“Oh wow, I know you!”

I looked at the man strangely. “Do you?”

“Yeah…I just can’t recall where I’ve seen you from.”

My heart began to rush. I was hoping he didn’t recognize me from porn, but even I knew that’s where he most likely saw me from. It’s utterly humiliating when someone outs you for being a porn star in public. They don’t correlate that porn isn’t a profession most people think highly of; the looks of judgment…the scowls…the murmurs and whispers…I hate it.

“Are you an actress?” he asked.

I fake smiled and said, “No. I’ve got to go now.”

I quickly paid for my food and took off. I wasn’t paying attention where I was going, as I was concerned this guy was following me. That’s when I bumped into somebody and spilled my food all over them. I looked up to see none other than Jonas. I was mortified.

“Oh my God! I am so, so, so sorry! Oh my God!” I panicked, as I began wiping him off with napkins.

I looked up at him; he seemed irritated, but didn’t want to lash out and make himself look like an ass.

“It-it’s okay, really.” He locked eyes with me and realized who I was. “Oh hey…Tess, right?” His gaze softened and he smiled.

“Why—I-I mean, hi, Jonas.”

Staff of the restaurant hurried over to clean up my mess, which mortified me further. I felt so bad I profusely apologized over and over. I couldn’t stop apologizing to Jonas either.

“Please don’t feel bad. Happens all the time back at the restaurant,” he said kindly, speaking of his.

“But I do. I ruined your nice shirt!”

“Tess, it’s okay. Really. I’ll live.”

I blushed. “How about I, um, buy your food for spilling mine on you?”

He grinned. “That sounds fair.”

I beamed at him, without realizing it, and that’s when it dawned on me I was genuinely smiling for the first time in a long time. I wasn’t faintly smiling, or fake smiling, but legitimately smiling. I waited in line with Jonas as we made small talk. It was surprisingly easy, and my shyness seemed to melt away. We even shared a couple laughs and jokes. Before I knew it, we were at the front of the line, and I was able to buy his food for him. As for me, I got a new meal for free.

We left the restaurant with bright eyes and awkward faces, as our conversation seemed to fade a bit. We both paused, as we faced each other and stood there for a minute in silence. We were both smiling.

“Well…thanks for dinner. I really appreciate it,” said Jonas.

“It’s the least I could do for ruining your shirt. But…I’m glad we could talk,” I said honestly. My heart was racing so fast. I couldn’t believe I was being so bold like that, it wasn’t like me.

He chuckled, a bit nervously if you ask me. “Me too. You’re really cool.”

I blushed like crazy.

He glanced over his shoulder. “My car’s parked just over there. Can I…give you a ride home, maybe?”

I smiled, blushing even redder than before. “I, uh, no thanks. But thank you. I only live a couple blocks away. But I’ll…see you around, sometime?”

Jonas smiled. “You sure? It’s no problem for me.”

“I’m sure. I can handle myself.” I lied.

“Okay then. Definitely see you around. Have a good night.”

I nodded. “You too.”

Jonas and I turned at the same time and walked our separate ways. I felt a gush of butterflies explode in my belly, as I looked up at the night sky biting my lip ecstatically. I was so unbelievably happy, and I couldn’t believe what a twist my night had made. I went home and enjoyed my food, replaying my encounter with Jonas over and over again in my head.

I hope Jonas and I meet again. I really do. Something about him just makes my heart flutter, and my legs weak, and body tremble. It’s clear I have feelings for him, but only time will tell what will happen between us. Just let it be known, for the record I’ll be dreaming of him tonight. Jonas has stolen my heart.


About the Author

Lainey Miller is an American author of several published works, and has more along the way. Though she prefers writing horror and fantasy, she occasionally dables in other genres, such as science fiction, drama, and others. She currently lives in Montana with her boyfriend, and their pet snake, Lucifer.

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